COLOMBIANA
2 out of 5 stars

“cataleya, never forget where you came from.”

umm... doesn’t hollywood know that this sort of movie already exists? it’s called...LEON THE PROFESSIONAL. oh, but it looks like luc besson wanted to do a colombian version. WHY, LUC, WHY?!? better yet...POURQUOI, LUC, POURQUOI?!? :/

so, if you’ve seen leon the professional, you probably know what to expect re: plot... it’s colombia 1992, and a 12 year old cataleya is doing HW at her kitchen table. suddenly, her father comes back from his meeting with don luis (his former boss), and he tells his wife and daughter that they have exactly 10 minutes to pack and get out of colombia FOR GOOD. unfortunately, don luis has already beat him to the punch and sends his goons after cataleya’s family to be executed... cataleya’s father tearfully tells her that he loves her, gives her an address for her uncle in chicago, as well as a little microchip which is her “passport” now. cataleya’s parents are gunned down, but she is spared by some guy named marco, who thinks it’s wrong to kill children....even though they might grow up to be revenge killers. (point proven in this case) she stabs marco’s hand, and flees. even as a young kid, cataleya is as stealthy as a cat! :P she eventually finds her way to u.s. soill, escapes homeland security custody, and finds her way to chicago where her uncle emilio lives. (new zealander cliff curtis does colombian VERY well in this movie!) fast-forward 15 years later...cataleya (zoe saldana) is all grown up and a highly skilled professional hitter, systematically taking down all those affiliated with don luis’s cartel... however, it’s only a matter of time before don luis decides to send back a message to cataleya and for FBI to follow her trail of bodies. ;)

expect ACTION and lots of it. it’s highly stylized esp. the first hit with the guy in prison. that’s probably the best part in this entire movie, and...possibly the second hit with the fat guy with the sharks. cataleya ends up hooking up with who we know as agent michael vaughn from alias waaaay back when, and that was sort of completely unnecessary but brings the govt heat on her. that whole part was EXTREMELY far-fetched, but hey...it’s a movie. anything is possible. i just wish this movie was written better. zing! :P