CONAN THE BARBARIAN (2011)
2 out of 5 stars

ohhhh, jason mamoa... ;) his career has been revitalized by his role on game of thrones as KHAAAAAL DROOOOOOGO, and thus, he stars in this crazy barbarian shitshow. 1hr and 52min of muscular men fighting muscular men with a pretty maiden and then a not-so-much pretty maiden AKA the fugly bitch character rose mcgowan plays... i’m gonna campaign to bring AHNOLD back now. :P

so, this 2011 version of conan the barbarian starts from the very beginning, where a skull mask was created by this sorcerer named acheron. the blood from his sacrifice would unleash the power from the skull mask, and he enslaved the entire world with that power. the barbaric tribes of cimmeria (where conan is from) defeated acheron, and smashed the mask into a bazillion pieces with each tribe taking/hiding a piece. fast-forward a couple hundred years later, conan is born via the world’s first C-section on the battlefield, and one day, while he’s practicing his sword moves in the forest, his village is attacked by some warlord guy named khlar zym. (stephen lang AKA the bad dude from avatar) khlar wants the last piece of the skull mask, and all he has to do now is find the “pureblood” so that he can revive his sorceress wife maliva, and with her powers, he can become a god. (seriously- that’s his master plan!) he’s also got this really fugly-looking bitch daughter named marique whose got freddy kreugger fingers, and boy...she really is fugly. :P they kill poor lil’ conan’s father, and after his village is ransacked, he swears vengeance for all cimmerians! RAWRRRRRR!!!

it’s OK, and there’s a lot of balls-to-the-wall action going on here. the acting is over-the-top cheese, but then again, it’s not like this movie was going for an academy award nom, LOL. (or was it? b/c that was be f-ing hilarious... :P) jason mamoa sure looks good shirtless, flexing all the muscles in that FOINE body, and i for one am glad, he got himself a speaking role this time! khal drogo is such a good character, but he’s such a man of few words (but tons of grunting), that conan is a philsopher compared to khal. but i’m sticking with game of thrones b/c the script and lack of a good plot made me yawn waaaaay too much in this one. ;)