THE EXPENDABLES
3 out of 5 stars

this one is what i like to call a wet dream of action movie heros. why, you ask? because you’ve got sylvester stallone at the directing helm, jason statham + jet li + randy couture + terry crews as his mercenary dream team, “stonecold” steve austin as a badass merc, and cameos from BOTH bruce willis AND the governator! if that’s not a wet dream, what is?! :P



sylvester stallone is merc-for-hire barney ross, who accepts a job from mr. church (bruce willis) to assassinate the dictator general garza reigning on the island of villena. problem is that this is no walk in the park. the general has got help from a rogue FBI agent named james munroe and his own group of private mercs. the general’s army is highly skilled and highly armed, and it would take a crazy group of dudes to take on this island. well, barney and his boys are THAT crazy… plus, there’s also a woman involved in the picture! the general’s daughter wants barney and his boys to restore villena back to what it was before the greedy americans came to the island. pretty straight forward…


there’s a lot of stuff getting blown up, body parts flying everywhere, lots of violence, lots of gunfire, and lots of muscle. it almost seems like sylvester stallone called in every single favor he could think of including mickey rourke who looked like he just walked off the set of iron man 2 in full costume! (he really is a brilliant actor though…even in one scene…) stallone looks like he’s out of breath almost every scene, but jason statham does a good job as a badass knife enthusiast who can throw knives with such slick ease, it’s great to see him doing roles other than a car driving assassin. plotwise, ehh… action-wise, if you’ve got a penis, you’ll enjoy this the whole hour + 43 min. :P

FOUR CHRISTMASES
2 out of 5 stars

“you can’t spell families without the word lies. try it.” – brad



as if you could fool us into thinking that reese witherspoon & vince vaughn could EVER be a convincing couple! with that said, i don’t think this one receives high marks on cast or plot, but it’s got some funny moments here and there. basically, kate (witherspoon) and brad (vaughn) LOVE avoiding their families at christmastime. they go through crazy lengths to come up with elaborate lies i.e. inoculating babies in burma or participating in a third-world country to build homes for one-eyed children, just so they can avoid spending christmas with their respective families. of course, their true plan is to go off to some exotic paradise i.e. fiji, the caribbean, etc., but their plans fall through when their flight is cancelled due to excessive fog in the san francisco area. thus, kate and brad have no choice, BUT to go visit their families thanks to an impromptu interview by a nosy TV reporter at the airport…


i think i would have liked this movie more if they concentrated on the quirkiness of the four parents and siblings, rather than focusing on kate and brad’s problems in their relationship. comeon! more screen time for robert duvall as brad’s alcoholic/hick father and sissy spacek as brad’s hippie mother! even mary steenburgen as kate’s cougarlicious/horny/in love with pastor phil mother is hilarious! by far the funniest moment was when vince vaughn was describing his performance as joseph in pastor phil’s reenactment of the nativity story as feeling like celine dion after a vegas show…

oh, silly vince vaughn… :P

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED
2 out of 5 stars

for a thriller… i felt that this one felt a bit short, hence the 2 star rating. the whole ransom and kidnapping situation is a great premise for a great heist AND thriller, but doesn’t it mean in order for a movie to be an actual thriller… it should have some plot twists and a unpredictable storyline? just a thought… ;)



the film starts out with two guys, who refurnish an apartment with sound-proof panels, buy deadbolts and locks for the doors, rope, handcuffs, guns, and disposable cellphones. as it turns out, they’re planning the kidnapping of young heiress, alice creed. they put her in a van, drag her ass to the prison-like apt, strip off her clothes to take pics of her degraded and then send them to her father in exchange for ransom $. it’s a very grim and tense situation, but these two guys are professionals at this. (well, one of them is) so, the question is A) will the kidnappers get what they’re asking for B) will alice escape? C) will alice even live through this nightmare? well, i won’t give away any spoilers, but let’s just say that one of the kidnappers and alice share a past which makes things “complicated”…


the problem i had with this is that i would have liked to have known alice’s backstory as well as the kidnappers. they only verbally mention their past(s), but i would have liked to have seen it though… the acting is actually quite good, but the story falls a bit short…for a thriller. (like i said before) also, there’s a “wrench” that gets thrown in the story, but instead of a “oh, didn’t see that one coming…” factor, it’s more of a “oww! what?! why?!” factor. plus, the ending is sort of lame too… as much as i don’t like mel gibson (raging alcoholic or not), his ransom movie was a whole lot better than this. comeon, brits! i expect higher quality storylines from you… ::shakes fist::

SEX AND THE CITY 2
3 out of 5 stars

OK, i admit that i am in fact a girl, and as a girl, i really ENJOYED this one… plus, after a two-year hiatus from the first movie and almost a six-year hiatus from when the show finally ended, i truly missed these girls and their respective personalities! ;)



we had left the first movie with carrie bradshaw and mr. big AKA john james preston marrying in a NYC courthouse due to the fact that mr. big got cold feet @ their real/planned wedding. well, they’re happily married now, and everyone is just as equally as happy as they are. charlotte and harry are raising two beautiful vietnamese girls whom they’ve adopted, miranda and steve are raising their child brady together, and samantha… still the same old samantha! things first start off with the most fabulous wedding of the year: stanford and anthony’s WEDDING in connecticut! (for non-SATC ppl: that’s carrie’s gay friend/model manager stanford and charlotte’s uber-queen of the wedding planners anthony) the wedding is AWESOME as there is an all-men’s choir, swans, an ice sculpture wedding cake, and LIZA MINELLI performing the service AS WELL AS singing her rendition of beyonce’s hit “single ladies”!!! (that’s pretty much the good stuff…) pretty soon after coming back from such fun, carrie begins to feel restless about her marriage with big, and then, an all-expense trip to the decadent abu-dhabi falls into their laps…


word to the wise: this movie is LONG. in fact, it sort of feels like 2 extra-long episodes of SATC all over again. (part 1: gay wedding; part 2: the random abu dhabi trip) but it’s the characters that save this one: samantha is definitely my favorite girl, and it’s fun to watch her go through “menopause” HER way w/ all the creams, pills, hormone crap she can find in the world. carrie just whines a lot, and miranda can be a real bitch at times because she’s sooo type-A. charlotte is the sweetheart, and i LOVE her soooo much b/c of that quality. she is so innocent and cute! (even when she falls off a camel) even the guys are great. when will i ever meet my mr. big? chris noth, you are one suave man… sigh…could we, normal ppl, ever live like this? uhh…probably not, but hey! a girl can dream, can she? ;)

JONAH HEX
1 out of 5 stars

this had got to be the worst adaption to a DC comic hero i've ever seen... i wasn't really sure where they were going with it. were you going for a more graphic novel approach (otherwise not stylized enough) or straight-up balls-to-the-wall action (otherwise not enough action)? :/


if you want to know: jonah hex (played by a grossed out josh broslin) is a bounty hunter, who used to be a confederate soldier. he had turned on his comrades during the civil war, and killed his best friend AND son of general turnbull. so to exact revenge, turnbull (john malkovich in his most disappointing role) kills jonah's wife and son in a housefire, and makes jonah watch... to make matters worse, he brands jonah with a QT iron (QT stands for quentin turnbull). somehow-someway (this is the part that doesn't make sense), jonah dies? we never know the reason why, but he's resurrected by the native american indians who live around the corner from him. not really sure what compelled the indians to resurrect his spirit, but they do, and jonah basically comes back all hellbent on revenge! yee-haw!

do you want to learn more? well, jonah is then recruited by the union/president grant to stop ex-general turnbull from basically nuking the united states of america. duedate: independence day. how poetic... throw in megan fox as the sexy babe sidekick, and you get this literal trainwreck. (i say that b/c there's also a trainwreck in the movie) i can see where they were going with spirits and the idea of hell and learning how to talk to dead ppl and native american indians and their magical potions, but... the story just doesn't flesh itself out to allow us to understand what's going on with this character jonah. it's very choppy, the dialogue sucks, and biggest grip: WTH IS JOSH BROLIN SAYING?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD YOU SAYIN'... i blame it on the prosthetic... :(

p.s. OMG i couldn't believe michael fassbender was in this! he's the only redeemable character BTW... :)

THE RUNAWAYS
3 out of 5 stars

this was better than i expected it to be! (or at least expected from the trailer) the whole movie feels like one long music video...figures as it was directed by floria sigismondi, famed italian music video director! plus, the rockin' soundtrack of the runaways and joan jett really make it worthwhile! ;)


kristen stewart chops up her hair into the signature joan jett haircut to play the bad-ass joan jett. but we are first introduced to cherie currie (dakota fanning), who later becomes the lead singer of the runaways. cherie is this david bowie lovin' brigitte bardot lookin' 16 year old girl, and immediately gets picked up by record producer kim fowley (michael shannon- doing a pretty good job as one) at the local hipster club. but it wasn't cherie nor kim who came up with the idea of an all-girl rock band. it was actually joan... BEST scene is when joan and kim are figuring out the music/lyrics to cherry bomb with cherie listening in outside their trailer rehearsal "studio". so, the runaways rocket to stardom (esp. in japan), but drugs obviously get in the way. hey, it was the 70s! (and these girls were musicians!)

i know this movie is based on the book cherie currie wrote, but honestly, i would have liked it to have have joan be the center of attention! usually kristen stewart is considered the kiss of death to all her movies, but she was actually the better actress than dakota... both are equally depicted in the movie, but joan jett seemed to have more to her life story than cherie... like i said, the soundtrack is AWESOME and the scenes using said songs are well presented. pretty good for a biopic! (of course, not as great as ray though!)

p.s. do we know of any more biopics coming out soon? it's always great to see hollywood-ized versions of musician lives... ;)

THE LAST AIRBENDER
2 out of 5 stars

m. night shamaylan, you DISAPPOINT me once more… when will you bring out the awesomeness that you did with your movie magic in sixth sense and unbreakable? sure, the trailer looked AWESOME, but this one gets filed along with dragon ball: evolution. ANIMEMOVIEADAPATION FAIL… :/


as you can probably guess from the title, this movie was the hollywood (or more like bollywood since it featured a ton of indian actors) adaption of the anime series, avatar: the last airbender. but, james cameron already took the rights to a little film called avatar, so they had to change the name for this guy... basically, the story is about a little boy who is an avatar, which is sort of like a dalai lama/buddha being who gets reincarnated every 100 years or so, and can bring “balance” to the world by his ability to manipulate all the natural elements. (i.e. air, water, earth, fire) he’s sort of like a god, i guess? but he can’t really hurt people, so he’s got a jesus side to him too! anyway, he’s being hunted by the fire tribe because the fire lord wants total domination of the world, and thinks that the avatar will prevent him from his conquests. his son is prince zuko (played by jamal from slumdog millionaire!), and he can’t return home until he finds this avatar… too bad two kids from the water tribe find him first, and watch for his eyes all glowing in that frozen sphere! (freaky…)

was the script written by a bunch of 2nd graders? because it’s incredibly choppy, awful dialogue, and seriously… was this script written by a bunch of 2nd graders? special effects get an A+ for obvious reasons, and it’s actually done quite well. it’s a very fantastical story yet there’s a lot of martial arts too. although i think my favorite scene is when the princess from the northern water kingdom has to make the ultimate sacrifice… (it’s done very beautifully a la style of lady in the water) LOL the guy who plays the older brother/hero is one awful actor, and when i looked up his creds on IMDB, i found out he was the same dude who played jasper in twilight. someone please tell him this isn’t a vampire movie? :P

‎GET HIM TO THE GREEK
2 out of 5 stars

"when life hands you a jeffrey, stroke a furry wall." - aldous snow


another DISAPPOINTING flick from the ppl who brought us 40 year old virgin and obviously forgetting sarah marshall. i LOVED forgetting sarah marshall... i just don't understand why they didn't bring back jason segel and mila kunis and paul rudd for this? :/

if you've seen sarah marshall, you know all about the british rock superstar/junkie/sex addict/crazy person ALDOUS SNOW. (russell brand) aldous snow's career tanks after releasing a hilarious yet controversial song called "african child", after music critics call it the worst thing that could happen to africa since apartheid. (LOL!) so, upon a 3 year hiatus and a separation from his hottie model/pop singer GF, jackie Q (played hilariously by rose byrne), aldous has been invited to play @ the greek theatre in los angeles. the only problem is getting him there... that's where record company intern aaron comes into play! (jonah hill) he's ordered by a HILARIOUS sean combs AKA diddy to accompany the crazy rockstar on his journey to NYC and los angeles...with a pit stop in vegas to visit dad! (of course!)

let's cut to the chase here...BEST scenes: the furry wall stroking/smokin' the jeffrey in aldous's LV suite; the anal heroin balloon scene @ JFK airport; the first night of partying w/ aldous in london- done true rockstar style; the african child music video; sarah marshall's cameo; and ALL of p. diddy's scenes! russell brand is really funny and fitting in the role of aldous for obvious reasons, and quite frankly, this movie should have just been about him... (cut out the fat kid, please) and secondly, why didn't jonah hill just reprise his role as matthew the eager waiter??? thus, movie spinoff FAIL... comeon, judd apatow! if it worked in sarah marshall, stick wit it, ya? :P

CENTURION
3 out of 5 stars

"my name is quintus dias, i am a soldier of rome, and this neither the beginning nor the end of my story."


an interesting tale about one man named quintas dias (played by michael fassbender- remember him from QT's inglorious basterds?), who survives a brutal attack on a roman frontier post. he is then captured by the picts (i'm guessing they were the nomads living in what is today britain), but he ESCAPES! it's not soon before the ninth legion, lead by general virilus (dominic west in ANOTHER greco-roman film) comes to his aid... quintas joins the ninth, and on their way to invade the picts once more, they're ambushed by the picts (very clever warriors), and they basically destroy the legion in one epic slaughter. quintas ends up in a ditch underneath a pile of rotting bodies, but is saved by a couple of surviving soldiers who want to rescue their captured general. thus, mission "rescue general" is born! (they invade the pict base camp in true halo black ops mode)

the violence in this is pretty brutal, and sometimes it'll catch you off guard... lots of blood, guts, grossness, but it's a good action movie nonetheless! (this will remind you plenty of halo or splinter cell esp. the way these soldiers fight in the dark) olga kurylenko (the bond girl from quantum of solace) proves us yet again that she can't act b/c she got handed a non-speaking role as a mute pict warrior... i couldn't help myself, but compare this to gladiator but this falls far short because the battle sequence is so-so and the main antagonist (olga) is lame... however, it's good to see roman soldiers fighting in a different environment rather than in a collosium or somewhere in germany. or i guess it would be germania? ;)

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
4 out of 5 stars

flynt: "so... what do you guys want for breakfast?"

steve the monkey: "GUMMI BEARS!"

LOL i went into this movie thinking it would be just so-so, but i ended up liking it very much! plus...appropriate for a holiday watch, doncha think? ;)

if you've ever read the classic children's tale of the same title, you'll know that it's about food that rains from the sky. there's more to this story though: flynt lockwood has been obsessed with inventing his whole life, ever since he was a lil' kid. (he invented the spray-on shoe to save his classmates from the untied shoe epidemic! problem: they don't come off...) seems like every invention he comes up with, there's a backlash of some sorts. so when flynt actually SUCCESSFULLY activates his raincloud food generator machine, delicious cheeseburgers come flying down from the sky! his hometown of swallow falls LOVES flynt for the first time, but as they keep making more and more requests from the machine, the food keeps getting bigger and BIGGER and BIGGER...

this one tells a great story about the consequences of altering one's environment as well as keeping up your dream, no matter how crazy it seems. yes, it is animation, but it's done quite well. i LOVE the happy colors and animated food, plus steve the monkey is my favorite character! (he's this talking monkey that's got a thought translator attached to him...another one of flynt's crazy inventions) i would have liked to see this one in 3D since there's so much movement esp. with the food falling from the sky! ain't nothin' wrong with that... ;)

p.s. GREAT old school animation sequence for the end credit! (a la style of school house rock...LOVES it!)

PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS:
THE LIGHTNING THIEF
2 out of 5 stars

i can't help but think of this movie as a cheap knockoff of the harry potter series... i mean, think about it! there's a boy (about the same age as harry in book 1) who finds out he's half-supernatural something, and ends up in a school/camp that's like a greco-roman version of hogwarts. the only problem is that the story isn't as exciting as the HP series... :/


i've heard that the books by rick riodan are actually pretty good, so hollywood fucked things up again w/ their film "adaption". basically, percy is the main protagonist who discovers that he is the son of the greek god poseidon after he's attacked by a fury disguised as his english teacher on a class field trip to the met. turns out that someone has stolen zeus's lightning bolt, and zeus blames percy for the theft. of course, percy is totally innocent, but he is then ushered to a place called "camp halfblood" where he learns some fighting skillz as well as befriends a pretty girl named annabeth. (daughter of athena- goddess of wisdom) of course, this is a greek story afterall, so there's an odyssey-type adventure where percy and his friends come across medusa, a hydra, as well as the lotus eaters. (the last one was a clever modern adaption tho...)

there were some good hollywood names attached to this one i.e. pierce brosnan as the dumbledorf equiv., rosario dawson as persephone (wife of hades), and even uma thurman as a convincing medusa. it tells a good adventure, but the ending/revelation of the actual lightning thief is really lame. in fact, i don't understand why hollywood didn't just stick with the book! do i think this will be a multi-part movie series? probably not... even if, i wouldn't see it. this one may be a fun adventure for little kids (maybe 5-10), but i'd rather stick with my brits in harry potter or watch clash of the titans again... and i mean the 2010 version! :P (which wasn't that great BTW)

p.s. speaking of multi-part movies based on a book series: CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: DAWN TREADER...IN THEATERS SOON! GET EXCITED! :)

THE KARATE KID
3 out of 5 stars

when i first heard about this project through IMDB.com in 2007, i scoffed @ the fact that will and jada pinkett smith were actually going to move forward with this idea of a remake of the classic karate kid. then, i scoffed even some more when i heard jackie chan wanted to star as mr. miyagi or the miyagi equivalent. well, i have to say…i was wrong! i actually enjoyed this, and it tells us a good story… ;)


dre parker (jaden smith), age 12, moves to china from detroit after his mother gets transferred to the chinese branch of the car factory she works at. xiao (it means little in chinese) dre is cute, funny, and definitely considered an outsider when a group of kids in the neighborhood decide to beat his little butt with some rudimentary kung fu. it’s only a matter of time when mr. han (jackie chan) decides to step in, and help out xiao dre by teaching him how to defend himself and allowing him to learn REAL kung fu. thus, xiao dre starts his quest to becoming a kung fu “jedi” by learning to condition himself, strength, the idea of chi (the essence of being), and even love…

nothing out of the ordinary esp. with the plot, but it’s still a sweet story told through the eyes of dre as well as mr. han. (we even get a back story to why mr. han has a broken car in his living room) jaden smith is a cute kid, and he sure inherited the smartass mouth of his dad. (think will smith circa fresh prince) jackie chan is a great kung fu master and teacher, and i thought it was great seeing him in a non-action role like this one. it’s time he passed on his knowledge, right? but the best moment is when dre calls mr. han his best friend the night before the grand tournament… go ahead, shed a tear… ;)

‎IRON MAN 2
4 out of 5 stars

"i have successfully privatized world peace." - tony stark


well, i have to say for the sequel to iron man, which i thoroughly enjoyed... this kept the momentum and energy of the first one going strong! :) (esp. with new cast members i.e. black widow and ivan vanko AKA whiplash)

if you haven't seen iron man, i highly recommend that you do ASAP! this sequel picks up exactly where we left off: tony stark revealing to the world that he is indeed IRON MAN. unlike batman or superman, he has NO problem whatsoever to the general public knowing his full identity. afterall...what's the point of being a superhero if you can't take the credit, right? so, after assuring the u.s. govt and the world that no one else possesses his technology, halfway across the globe, ivan vanko (mickey rouke with a convincingly scary russian accent) produces the same ARC reactor core the iron man suit uses for fuel... so when whiplash emerges with a bang @ the monte carlo grand prix, iron man is in for a major surprise! (probably the best scene in the entire movie, IMO) this wouldn't be a superhero movie w/o another villian. justin hammer (sam rockwell) emerges as tony's rival as a fellow defense contractor, and they team up to take down iron man. or should i say, so they think they can... ;)

RDJ is just awesome as the narcissistic, ego-maniac tony stark, and his continuous bickering with assistant/now CEO of stark industries pepper potts is priceless... (just like he was in the first movie) i think what makes this movie GREAT is sam rockwell as justin hammer, tony stark's competitor AND mickey rourke. however, this one committed a spiderman 3, where there just were too many characters involved in the storyline. we really could have done it w/o the black widow (scarlett johansson), but i guess they felt like they needed an "insider" @ stark industries to keep an eye on tony.? (whatevs...) but BIG KUDOS to mickey rourke who turns himself into a convincing angry russian with a vengeance down to the greasy hair and prison tats! mick, you make this one worthwhile... ;)

ROBIN HOOD
3 out of 5 stars

‎"rise and rise again until lambs become lions." - unknown


you can't help but think of this as gladiator: the medieval version. (because IT IS.) russell crowe stars as the titular character robin hood, but keep in mind that this is a sort of a prequel to the legend we're all familiar with. you know, the one where robin hood is constantly outwitting the bad guys i.e. king john and the sheriff of nottingham! the whole "rob the rich, give back to the poor" scenario! well, that may be what robin hood's legend is known for, but this is not about that... :/

essentially, robin longstride BEFORE he was nicknamed robin of the hood is just an archer in king richard's army. he's not even an outlaw just yet... so when king richard is killed in the line of battle, robin and his merry men decide to bolt. little do they know, the king's crown ends up in their hands when they come across an ambush with dying robert loxley. (the french were trying to assassinate the king...too bad, he's already dead) so, robin is told by the dying sir loxley to return his sword to his father, and robin reluctantly does so. medieval identify theft comes into play, and robin longstride becomes robert loxley...

this is TOTALLY different from the kevin costner & jeremy irons version... that one focused more on robin and the sheriff, where this is more about the king of france (philip), the king of england (john), and the northern barons threatening to go against the crown for unfair taxes. as much as i LOVE mark strong, he totally steals the show from the other allstars! russell crowe just reprises as maximus...err, i mean general hood, cate blanchett makes a brilliant/strong-willed marion, and almost-unrecognizable matthew mcfayden (remember him from pillars of the earth?) barely gets any screen time! i'm sorry...but i want kevin costner robin hood version back! if i wanted to watch a historical drama, i would have just watched elizabeth... :P

HAIRSPRAY
5 out of 5 stars

edna turnblad: [singing] you can't stop my happiness, 'cuz i like the way i am. and you just can't stop my knife and fork when i see a Christmas ham! and if you don't like the way i look, then i just don't give a damn!


probably known as the 2007 GAY FAVE MOVIE OF THE YEAR, just b/c of zac efron! (i mean, does it really come as a surprise?) LOVED this movie, as i sang along to ALL the numbers... ;)

we start off in baltimore, 1962! (good morning, baltimore!) tracy turnblad is a plump yet perky high school girl who cares about nothing but the corny collins show. she and her BFF penny (amanda bynes in pigtails) watch the show everyday, and she's in love with link larkin (zac efron doing his best young elvis impersonation), one of the stars on the show. her mother, edna (john travolta is his BEST role YET!) is a laundress and completely opposed to the fact tracy listens and dances to this so-called "music." so when tracy impresses corny collins into getting her a spot on the show, edna is shocked... (along with the racist station manager velma von tussle AKA skinny bitch michelle pfeiffer) everyone is even more shocked when tracy blabs on TV that she's for integration (since baltimore is still racially divided then), and the songs just take you on a musical trip to a GRAND finale!

two words make this movie AWESOME: JOHN TRAVOLTA. i don't think i've ever seen him have this much fun in a role since grease! he sure knows how to move in that 30 lb. fat suit as well as move like a LADY... everyone else seems to feed off of that energy b/c james marden, christopher walken, even queen latifah get into the spirit of the music and put on quite a show! BEST SCENES: ALL the numbers esp. edna, corny collins, link larkin, and motormouth maybelle, the big finale @ the end (you can't stop the BEEEAT!), lil' arnez, detention (dance) hall, and jerry stiller as mr. pinky! even if you weren't into the singing/dancing, just watch this for the allstar cast from hollywood teenage wetdream heaven come to life... :)