NOTORIOUS
3 out of 5 stars


now, i’m a fan of biopics, and i think this was actually really well done! the actor who plays biggie smalls really got to the core of biggie’s character, and i have to say, this one was overlooked by the oscars, IMO... a good tribute to the rapper who put east coast rap on the map. good job! ;)

the movie starts out with biggie’s most famous hitmaker “hypnotize” playing in the background at some hot L.A. nightclub, while biggie (jamal woodard) and his friends drink to the highlife after the soul train music awards. the year is 1997, and biggie and his friends get into a slick black cadillac escalade to head back to the hotel for some after party fun. an unknown assailant shoots at the rapper, and he dies... then, it flashes back to the time, where biggie was just known as christopher wallace, a young kid living with his single mother (angela bassett) in brooklyn, NYC. we see young chris get involved in drug deals at the age of 12, listening to 80s hip hop, and even gets into fights with his mother when she finds out that he’s been dealing drugs behind her back... we even see him deal with his first baby mama, screw lil’ kim, and eventually he’ll marry faith evans after signing a record deal with recording producer puffy AKA puff daddy. (AKA p.diddy AKA diddy) it’s your typical drug dealer turned rapper story, but christopher wallace was more than just some drug dealer. he was in fact biggie smalls AKA the notorious B.I.G., who influenced the art of rap in such a short time... ;)

this movie was produced and released nearly a decade after the death of biggie smalls AND tupac shakur, and i think it was certainly appropriately done. both rap stars’ portrayals are SPOT-ON, and like i said, i think this one was overlooked by the academy... anthony mackie (from the hurt locker) portrays tupac, and i actually think they should do a separate movie on him to explain his rage against east coast rap as well as blaming his first attempted assassination on biggie and puffy. the acting is superb, and i thought they did a good job telling biggie’s life story. you can’t help but get teary-eyed near the very end... R.I.P. biggie!

MACGRUBER
2 out of 5 stars

“cunth, i’m gonna rip your dick off, and shove it in your mouth.” - macgruber



not really sure why hollywood decided to do a whole movie on a SNL skit? ridiculous movie with ridiculous characters such as macgruber, dixon piper (try not to giggle when you say it quickly enough), and dieter von cunth… (try not to giggle again… i dare ya!) 2 stars for only 2 truly funny scenes: the sex scenes & the celery in the butt! (what what) :P


for those of you know not familiar with macgruber: he’s basically zoolander meets macgyver! (yes, a dumbass macgyver!) will forte from SNL teams up with funny lady kristen wiig and ryan phillippe to form team macgruber, and together, they try and stop dieter von cunth (a VERY bloated val kilmer sporting a kurt russell-esque hairdo) from blowing up the white house. it turns out that dieter stole a russian nuclear warhead, and has plans on destroying washington d.c. but before they even get to that, macgruber wants to exact revenge on the man who killed his wife at his own wedding… (you really need to know who was behind that? hehe… :P)


like i said: 2 stars for only 2 truly funny scenes. the celery in the ass still cracks me up, but that’s only a little snippet of the movie. if you’re into 80s humor, penis and poo jokes, and just dumbass fun, this movie is probably for you. if not, skip this one on the queue…

THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE
2 out of 5 stars


great special effects, but fails on plot development and a good antagonist... (morgana la fay? really? is that the best you could come up with, disney?) lots of good characters AKA the sorcerers with awesome names like balthazar blake and maxim horvath, but in the end, it’s just about some dude learning magic from some homeless guy... oh, my bad... that was nicholas cage? oops... :P

the movie starts out with the betrayal of merlin, and the story of how two of his apprentices stopped morgana from performing the “rising”. (basically, she’s trying to destroy the world) intros are made, and we learn that merlin had three apprentices: balthazar blake (cage), veronica (monica belluci), and horvath (the always fab alfred molina). veronica ended up sacrificing herself to capture morgana’s essence, then balthazar captured her in something called the grimhold, which is a magical nesting doll. fast forward to the year 2000, a 10 year old named david stutler, who goes on a class field trip to one of the major NYC museums, but wanders off into an old antiquities store called arcana cabana. there, he meets balthazar blake for the first time, and is really creeped out by him and all the strange artifacts... balthazar shows young dave a dragon ring once owned by merlin, and it reacts by wrapping itself around his finger. but before you know it, dave starts messing with the ring, and the grimhold opens its first layer: horvath. fast forward to the year 2010, and 20 year old dave (jay baruchel) is a physics student at NYU, and of course, balthazar and horvath literally fight to save/kill dave, who apparently is the only one who can defeat the evil morgana...

like i said, the special effects and all that was done to magically “enhance” the movie are great. (esp. the mirror car chase... that was in fact pretty well done) it’s no harry potter though, and the plot is... i’m sorry, but it’s pretty lame. they could have done more with the characters, since they actually seemed quite interesting, but they don’t... (a shame) i actually thought this was a bit scary for a disney production, especially since this was suppose to be an adaptation of their beloved fantasia. fantasy it may be, but it sure as hell ain’t fantastic... :/

VALENTINE'S DAY
2 out of 5 stars

i couldn’t WAIT to watch this shit show of a rom com, and was especially excited when it arrived exactly on VALENTINE’S DAY! THANKU, NETFLIX! as awful as this was…i actually enjoyed it! :P (thanks to a bottle of cali rose wine & my heart shaped dove milk chocolates!)



i’m not even going to explain this so-called plot because i would need to do some sort of crazy venn diagram/concept map for you to follow along to this story… basically, it’s done in the style of love actually, where everyone somehow is related to one another, but there’s a lot of plot holes that just don’t get addressed.  plus, very convuluted, and plus plus, whomever did the casting for this must have done some sort of open-invite to whoever was available in hollywood to come out and film a scene or two… LOTS of different characters and relationships from elementary school children in love to people who hate the holiday…


why they even did the taylor + taylor storyline is beyond me… UNNECESSARY! also, the indian wedding?! why? the anti-valentine’s day party is just so stupid but fun esp. with the heart-shaped piñata, but hands down, the best storyline in this goes to bradley cooper and his football valentine AND julia roberts & her little boy valentine. just THAT alone would have been a good one… tsk, tsk.  i expect better from the director who made pretty woman!  COMEON!   

THE KING'S SPEECH
5 out of 5 stars

“if i am king, where is my power? can i declare war? form a government? levy a tax? no! and yet i am the seat of all authority because they think that when i speak, i speak for them.” – king george VI


BRAVO, colin firth! BRAVO, geoffrey rush! such a wonderful film about the struggles of a king’s speech problem and the person who helped him overcome it... BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO! ;)

based on historical events, BBC films teaches us the story of a king who couldn’t even speak an entire sentence without stammering through it... before he was king george VI, albert AKA bertie (colin firth) dreaded public speaking due to the fact that his stammer got the best of him every time he got in front of a mic. so, his wife, the lady of york (helena bonham carter), seeks out australian “doctor of speech defects” lionel logue (geoffrey rush), who agrees to help. logue isn’t your conventional speech therapist, and boy, are his methods both effective and hilarious... (i.e. cursing, body exercises, yelling out windows, singing, even uncovering past traumas of the patient) “bertie” is reluctant at first with lionel’s methods, but both his wife and lionel keep at it until he addresses his problem. as the lady of york states, it’s not like he can just NOT do any public speaking due to king george VI’s sudden ascension to the throne, after his older brother edward (guy pearce) abdicates to marry the woman he loves. so, therein lies the problem... how will bertie get better at speaking when he’s got to address his people during WWII?

a WONDERFUL story about the relationship between lionel and bertie, and it’s sweet to see how lionel helps bertie overcome his speech problems. it’s very heartfelt, and you can’t help but root for our king until the very end! GREAT script, GREAT acting, and GREAT soundtrack!!! (that classical soundtrack really works well with this one...) it’s no surprise that the king’s speech will dominate the oscars as it did with the golden globes, and i’m willing to bet that it may even win the coveted best picture. GO SEE IT NOW. DO IT. IT’S THAT GOOD. ;)

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
1 out of 5 stars

i don’t think i’ve been this bored watching someone in love with both a vampire AND a werewolf… nothing really happens…they might as well have called it “new moon” part 2! (at least that would have been somewhat entertaining) dammit, i want my 2 hours back… :/



for those who don’t know: bella (kristen stewart) and edward (robert pattinson) are back together AGAIN. they’re back in good ol’ forks, washington state, and bella keeps asking poor edward to turn her into a vamp like him and the rest of the cullen clan. edward won’t do it until they’re married b/c he’s old school like that, and bella is really frustrated with him b/c of that… i mean, who doesn’t want to become immortal and drink blood for the rest of one’s life, right? other problems arise when a young guy named riley gets turned into a vamp by none other than victoria (bryce dallas howard) from the 1st movie, and they decide to create an army of “newborns” (newbie vamps) to kill the cullen clan for revenge. (remember edward killed victoria’s mate james in the 1st movie?) oh yeah… then, there’s jacob the native american werewolf (ab-licious taylor lautner- that boi is FOINE), who’s ALSO in love with bella, and wants her to choose him over edward. it’s problems, problems, problems, and it leaves bella conflicted…


i actually thought new moon was better in terms of a good story than this one. there are some good parts AKA the flashbacks of some of the other cullens like rosalie and jasper as well as some good effects AKA cullen training camp. the whole love triangle storyline is just eye-rollingly stupid/unnecessary, but everyone needs drama in their life, right? i guess if i were an angsty tween, i’d probably LOVE this, but i’m not… so… thus, my rating. :P

p.s. i'm going to start a campaign to bring back catherine hardwicke, the original director of the 1st movie!  BEST ONE.  let's see if breaking dawn will deliver results or...disappointment.

EAT PRAY LOVE
2 out of 5 stars

liz: ketut, how old are you?

ketut the balinese medicine man: i am one hundred and one. or maybe sixty-four.

this was a major disappointment for me because i thought the book was just so well-written and inspirational, and i thought that the film adaptation would be just as so. i was wrong... plus, sorry, julia... you just come across as a real whiny WASP-y bitch in this one... :/

for those who don’t know the story of the infamous self-enlightenment autobiography of famed author elizabeth gilbert... liz (julia roberts) is happily married to stephen (billy crudup), has a great writing career, has great friends, etc. the only thing missing in her life is PASSION. she’s sort of clinically depressed/goes through this mid-life crisis, so she divorces her husband cold-turkey, and decides to pack her bags to travel the world. however, not before she has a fling with a young NYC actor named david (james franco who needs to cut his hair)... first stop: ROME. cut to: lots of delicious italian dishes, gelato, and hanging out with great italian friends. second stop: CALCUTTA. cut to: lots of meditation, richard the texan, and an indian wedding! third stop: BALI. cut to: lots of beautiful tropics, spanish hottie javier bardem, and a funny medicine man named ketut, who apparently started this self journey for liz in the first place...

soooooo many problems with this movie... where do i even begin? first off...the calcutta/india scenes were just offensive! liz ends up in this guru’s temple all for the wrong reasons, and it’s totally clear that she doesn’t know what she’s even doing there and keeps expecting the “answers to life” to fall into her lap. uhh...sorry, it doesn’t work that way! the flashback scenes to liz’s “former life” in NYC are very choppy and the james franco scenes are actually inappropriately timed at times... i really wished they would have casted someone more neurotic like ellen pompeo or jennifer aniston because julia is too stiff for this role. (it doesn’t really fit the character of liz) the rome part is just so-so; india part blows; bali is fun. (as it should be!) this would have been better if they took it on a more comedic approach. waaay too serious for a movie about self-discovery... nor, does it make me want to find balance in my life? :/