THE THREE MUSKETEERS
2 out of 5 stars

OK... airships, really? orlando bloom as a fashionista villain? REALLY? all the eye-rolling that occurred throughout this one made it quite “special”... :P

basically, this one is all about the classic alexandre dumas novel, but really REALLY REALLY watered-down. (my guess is that they were trying to cater towards middle school kids, but not the best job) the three musketeers this time are...matthew macfadyen (remember him from pillars of the earth? the priest!), luke evans (he was zeus in immortals...ugh), and ray stevenson. (volstagg from thor!) the three decide to break into davinci’s vault in venice to steal the blueprints to davinci’s airship with the help of milady AKA the countess de winter. (milla jovovich) they succeed but then...the countess betrays the musketeers by teaming up with the “evil” duke of bukingham. (orlando bloom...who actually looks good with a goat tee!) i can’t remember if it’s one year or five, but years pass and the musketeers are apparently disbanded by the king of france, louis XIII, and doing odd jobs around paris. (but oddly enough...they live together? i swear this movie has more plotholes than swiss cheese, LOL) they all cross paths with a young man named d’artagnan (logan lerman AKA percy jackson!), who wants to become a musketeer himself. it’s then that they decide that they all have the same enemy...ROCHEFORT. (mads mikkelsen sporting yet ANOTHER eye patch) rochefort HATES the musketeers, and works with the evil cardinal richelieu (christoph waltz- ugh...you are such a waste of talent to be starring in a shitshow like this! :P) to get rid of the musketeers forever as well as the king. there’s a lot of double crossing and airship dueling and mission planning, but honestly i can’t really remember what happened after all that. sounds like an oscar winner, right? :P

like i said...this movie seems like it was written for kids BY KIDS. the writing is awful, the acting is meh, and paul w.s. anderson is certainly NOT paul anderson. (the latter wrote there will be blood and this obviously doesn’t even remotely measure up...) one of my favorite actors, christoph waltz, plays up the true villain well, but his role isn’t enough to give this movie an extra star. booooo... could have been better. you’re better off watching the 1993 version with charlie sheen and keifer sutherland. at least then you’d be WINNING! :P (never gets old!)