CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE'S ASSISTANT
2 out of 5 stars

darren: “so...do i turn into a bat?”
larten crepsley: “no! no! that is bullshit.”

strange, strange, strange... it’s strange because it makes no sense, LOL. while the whole premise of a teenage vampire has been done, but this one is a little bit different. combine a circus troupe with good vs. evil vamps and two teenage boys wanting to become vampires, and you get this!

darren shan, a well-adjusted sixteen year old boy living in boring suburbia, has a BFF named steve. (it’s laser from the kids are alright!) he and steve decide to break curfew, and go see a freak show that’s in town... there, darren and steve see the bearded lady AKA madam truska (a sexy selma hayek- when is she not?), alexander ribs (orlando jones), a wolfman, a limb generating lady (30 rock’s jane krakowski), and of course, larten crepsley and his madame octa. (john c. reilly with his red & blue pet spider) darren, fueled by his obsession with spiders, decides to steal or “borrow” madame octa, and unexpectedly overhears steve’s plea to make him into a vampire. larten rejects him by stating that he’s got “bad blood” (whatever that means), and that angers steve... the next day at school, madame octa escapes from darren’s backpack, and the spider bites steve putting him in a coma. without an antidote, steve is dead, so darren pleads with larten to give him an antidote BUT under one condition: he must become a half-vampire... thus, darren becomes the vampire’s assistant! ;)

there’s more to it... there’s this fat guy in a suit named mr. tiny who wants a war between the so-called “vampaneze” AKA the ruthless vamps vs. the good guys AKA larten, willem dafoe’s character and some dead vampire named vincent. larten and darren hide out at the cirque’s winter campgrounds, until the vampaneze come for darren... it’s very twilight-y esp. with darren falling for a girl at the campgrounds, and the ending is very open-ended, which means sequel? oh, please no... i’m just going to file this one under the “DO NOT SEQUEL” file and call it a day. who’s with me? :/