THE DARKEST HOUR
1 out of 5 stars

i’m sorry… but I still think the best alien invasion movie OF ALL TIME is independence day. where’s the smart-ass black guy? where’s the know-it-all scientist type? a bunch of 20 somethings aren’t gonna know jack-shit when it comes to survival… let alone a bunch of american 20 something tourists in obliterated moscow. COMEON! :P

so, the movie starts with sean (emile hirsch) and ben (max minghella- son of director anthony minghella), who are on their way to moscow for a business meeting to woo russian investors for their social media app called globetrot. (sort of like gowalla?) they get to moscow, but then their swedish friend skyler screws them over by cutting the dudes out of the deal. (something to do with a non-disclosure ageement) the boys drown their sorrows at a local nightclub/hotspot, where they hook up with these two american girls. (well, one’s british but you get the drift…) while they’re chit-chatting, the power suddenly goes out, and THE ALIENS ARRIVETH. ppl start vaporizing, and it’s all about survival at that point… :P

this one had potential to be good and creepy esp. with what they did with the lights and the fact that these were light-based alien lifeforms, but there was a lot of whining going on… NO, WE GET IT. YOU’RE STRANDED IN A CITY WHERE YOU DON’T KNOW THE LANGUAGE. ALIENS ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU. GET OVER IT. FLIGHT OR FIGHT, BITCHES. :P (but seriously- awful plot, awful acting, awful lack of character development did it for me…)

MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE
2 out of 5 stars

add this one to the “peter travers, you mislead me AGAIN!” list because although i thought elizabeth olsen (lil’ sister of MK and ashley) did a great job, i didn’t think the movie was all that great... basically, some bitch decides she doesn’t want the cult life for her anymore and flees. she thinks she can just de-program herself by living with her estranged sister and husband, but adjustment doesn’t come easy... :O (:O = a sarcastic surprise-y face)

“marcy may” is the name given to martha when she decides to live on a farm with the head cult guy patrick. we never find out HOW she gets to the cult farm or how she even knows patrick, but after 2 years living in the catskills, she decides to run away. she cuts through the woods, finally sits down to eat at a diner, but one of the guys follows her... he tries to convince her to come back, but she turns him down and phones her sister lucy (an excellent sarah paulson) to come pick her up. lucy lives at her lake house with her husband ted (hugh dancy), and they let her stay with them for the time being. there’s a lot of flashbacks to martha’s cult life i.e. swimming nekked at a nearby waterfall, the “cleansing” (ugh...disgusting), and her involvement in B&E crimes of neighboring wealthy homes... martha can’t seem to get a grip on who she is, what “normal” is, or what’s happened to her, so of course, she starts wigging out... REALLY BADLY. and lucy and ted have no idea what to do with her... :/

although this film has received many accolades and such, i wasn’t too impressed by this one. it started out OK, was progressing fine, but the end killed it for me. open-ended?! really?! plus, i feel like if she’s really wigging out and losing it, shouldn’t it have been more like black swan and the lines between reality and her cult life becomes blurrier and blurrier? however, acting wise, i have a feeling elizabeth olsen is starting to become indie film princess soon? (EXCELLENT job in this one)  following in the career footsteps of naomi watts, i see... ;) 

A DANGEROUS METHOD
5 out of 5 stars

“do you think they know we’re on our way, bringing them the plague?” – sigmund freud to carl jung (on a ship to NYC)

DAVID CRONENBERG (director of eastern promises, a history of violence) does it AGAIN!!! EXCELLENT movie about the founding fathers of analytical psychology! a wonderful cast and wonderful acting! if you’re interested in psychology, this is the movie for you. ;)

this one starts with a batshit crazy russian jewish woman named sabina speilrein (a WONDERFUL keira knightley) arriving via horse carriage to the burghölzli, a psychiatric hospital in zurich, switzerland with a typical case of hysteria. (AKA unmanageable emotional excesses accord. to wikipedia) she’s completely gone off the deep end, and carl jung (michael fassbender, how i love u!) decides to treat her using the “talking cure”, which is dream interpretation and word association. this is part of his approach to sigmund freud (viggo mortensen)’s radical new science, psychoanalysis. they start meeting and discussing sabina’s childhood and such, and jung finds out that sabina’s condition is triggered by humiliation and sexual arrousal from when her dad used to spank her nekked as a young child. (she’s a cronic masturbator, and even jung hitting her coat sets her off...LOL) 2 years pass, and jung decides to finally meet with the almighty freud and discuss his work with him. by then, sabina is all better, and wants to become a psychologist herself. problems start to form when sabina and jung enter into an affair (jung is married BTW), and freud wants jung to take the helm of the psychoanalysis movement. (although jung disagrees with many freudian theories) my favorite line is when jung states,”why must freud revolve everything around sexuality?” gawd, what a perv... :P

this was a very interesting look at how one woman influenced the radical principles of two founding fathers of analytical psychology, and how these two men (freud and jung) influenced each other, even though they disagreed with one another... this script was very well written and i actually would suggest watching with subtitles, so you don’t miss the meat of their discussions. fassbender EXCELS in the role of conflicted carl jung, viggo EXCELS in the role of freud...even down to smoking his danish grandfather’s cigars as part of his “method”, and keira EXCELS as sabina...down to the russian accent, the hysteria, the sex, everything. talk about a movie that gets into your mind and stays there... ;)

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
GHOST PROTOCOL
5 out of 5 stars

benji: “now, remember... blue is glue.”
ethan: “and red?”
benji: “dead.”

OK, they needed to retitle this “ghost technical difficulties clusterfuck” b/c none of the gadgets they featured in this MI movie WORKED... thus, turning each mission into some sort of clusterfuck. :P but with all that said and technical difficulties aside, ethan hunt is baaaaaaaack and he’s kicking major russian ass to...save the world from a nuclear apocalypse. ;)

i’m not going to summarize this one because it doesn’t need to be... let’s cut to the chase!

best scenes: ALL the missions i.e. the kremlin mission feat. the invisible shield/hologram projection thingy, the signature dubai burj khalifa building climb, the mumbai mission feat. agent brandt’s server jump (imitating ethan hunt’s signature descent into langley during the first movie), and the beginning scene i.e. the russian prison break! if there’s one guy who can break out of a russian prison, it’s ethan hunt. (but this time, he’s got help in the form of agent jane carter i.e. paula patton and benji dunn i.e. simon pegg AKA the tech guy from MI3!)

as ethan says...”light the fuse.”

until the next one... ;) (should be fun since brad bird who directed this one will direct again. YAY!)

TOWER HEIST
3 out of 5 stars

ohhhhh, ben stiller... how is it that a comedian happens to get less funnier in the movies he stars in? eddie murphy saves this one with his ghetto-thug-fast-tawkin’-wannabe thief character slide. i’m glad he’s stopped doning in drag/putting on a fat suit to pass off as comedy these days... :P

tower heist is all about a bunch of working stiffs in a super-luxe hotel-like apartment complex in NYC called the tower, who lose their pensions to a bernie madoff-like billionaire arthur shaw. (a very slimy alan alda AKA hawkeye pierce from M*A*S*H!) josh kovaks (ben stiller) is the assistant building manager (i think- still not clear what his exact title was), and he’s got this shit down... he knows all his tennants’ schedules, their preferences for meals, their birthdays, their vacay schedules...the works. he even knows all about his underlings AKA the bellhops, the elevator men, the maids, security personnel, repair men’s quirks and life issues (i.e. one russian chick is studying for the bar exam and odessa AKA precious is on a jamaican maid on a work visa so she’s looking for a green card husband. LOL!) his BFF is lester the doorman, and he learns that lester is planning to retire soon... the following day or so, josh finds it weird when armed men in black suits approach the tower. they go under code black (“what the hell is that?”), and josh sees poor arthur getting kidnapped via a white laundry cleaning service van! he chases after it, but then they’re surrounded by FBI agents, head by lead agent claire denham. (tea leoni) he’s all WTF, but as it turns out arthur shaw is arrested by the FBI for several SEC violations and accused of running a ponzi scheme. josh is devestated because he realizes that ALL their $ is gone. (his and everyone who works at the tower) he doesn’t know exactly how to get it back, but one drunken night, he and agent denham are having drinks after he gets fired for beating up mr. shaw’s prized 1963 ferrari 250 GT lusso (the steve mcqueen car!), and gets the idea to steal it back by breaking into shaw’s safe. so, he enlists the help of his useless bro-in-law charlie (casey affleck), this bellhop guy named enrique who used to work at the “BK” (michael pena), odessa (gabourey sidibe), mr. fitzhugh who got kicked out of the tower due to foreclosure (matthew broderick), and last but not least...slide. :P (a hilarious eddie murphy)

probably one of the best scenes in the whole movie is when slide is trying to teach the dudes how to be theives. (i.e. first lesson at the mall – “you may have stolen $50 in merchandise but i just stole $256. never trust a thief with your wallet, bitches” and when they’re on the roof of slide’s apt building- “here’s your punkass bobby pin. figure out how to unlock this door. i’m gonna go have sex with rita now” :P) everything else just leads up to the actual heist... hollywood had originally planned to make this the “black version of ocean’s 11”, and i sort of wish they stuck by that! this was entertaining enough, but i think it would have been awesome to see eddie as george and chris tucker as rusty. the two of them would have made me ROTFLMAO... :P

MONEYBALL
5 out of 5 stars

“how can you not get romantic about baseball?” – billy beane

talk about a movie that’ll make you root for the underdog! BRAVO, brad pitt! BRAVO, philip seymour hoffman! aaaaand...i can’t believe i’m saying this...BRAVO, jonah hill! :)

moneyball is based on a true story about how a general manager named billy beane and his protege decide to change the system on how to build one’s team and gain wins using player statistics, not gut instinct. it’s always going to be gamble when it comes to player performance, but sometimes you have to go with what’s concrete and tangible, not instinct... billy beane decides to test out the sabermetric theories of statistician bill james, and the results work. after a devestating loss to the yankees back in 2001, oakland athletics GM (general manager) billy beane (a terrific brad pitt) goes to his owner for more $ to recruit star players, but the owner won’t increase his player salaries budget. so, billy is basically working with pennies here, and he’s having trouble replacing 3 star players, who are now free agents. (i.e. johnny damon, jason giambi, and jason isringhausen) his scouts give him tons of suggestions and potential stars, but while on a business trip in cleveland (at the GM’s office for the cleveland indians), he runs into a young yale graduate named peter brand (jonah hill), who seems to have the ear of the GM, mark shapiro. peter and billy talk in the parking lot, and peter suggests that billy use the sabermetric approach towards building his team again, and billy ponders on it... billy then hires peter as an assistant GM, who starts doing player analysis, building a computer program and such, and they start recruiting! they end up recruiting a “submarine” pitcher named chad bradford (looked over b/c he throws “funny”), former catcher scott hatteberg (looked over for his elbow injury), and former outfielder david justice. (looked over for his age) now, how are they going to convince the head coach to use these guys? i know...trade away the star potentials to force head coach artie howe’s hand! :P

it’s a great movie about a guy who sticks by his values, and decides to take on the system that screwed him over when he was just a fresh HS recruit. EXCELLENT acting and banter between brad pitt and jonah hill!!! both were great, and they really played off of each other wonderfully. you get a good story out of this, but also a glimpse of billy’s past as well. the movie’s central character is obviously billy and how he got to the point of GM and such, but it also gives a good look at the oakland A’s history too. this one really touches the heart of baseball fans. EXCELLENT JOB!!! :)

YOUNG ADULT
3 out of 5 stars

this was a really DARK and depressing movie about a batshit crazy middle aged woman, who randomly decides to wreck her ex-BF/high school sweetheart’s marriage and win his heart back. too bad for her...almost 20 years have past and he probably doesn’t feel the same way he felt when he was 17 and in “love”? :P

so, this batshit crazy woman happens to be mercury, MN native now young adult fiction writer mavis gary. (charlize theron does bitchy VERY well- it’s scary even!) mavis is 37 years old, drinks diet coke religiously, watches the kardashians religiously, and can’t seem to let go of her high school years. she lives in a small apartment in downtown minneapolis or the “mini apple”, writes chapters via her white mac book for her waverly prep series (which she’s only just a ghost writer), and goes on OKcupid dates with randoms. then, one day while she’s trying to write chapter 1, she checks her e-mail and comes across a e-announcement announcing the birth of buddy slade’s daughter. buddy slade (mr. america AKA patrick wilson) happened to be mavis’s HS sweetheart back in the day, and somehow in that alcoholic brain of hers, she decides it’s time to win his heart back! why, you ask? who the hell knows... blame it on the maker’s mark? :P so, mavis drives back home to mercury, MN in her red mini cooper, along with doggie dolce in the back seat, checks her ass into the hampton inn, and begins “operation win buddy slade back”. but...not before she finds a bar first... she ends up in a place called woody’s, where she meets matt freehauf (patton oswalt- GREAT job!), whom she remembers as the “hate crime” guy. as it turns out, matt was gay-bashed in HS by a bunch of asshole jocks who thought he was gay, but he wasn’t... somehow, the prom queen and the gay-bashed theater geek bond over some scotch 20 some years later. life is twisted, is it not? anywayz...matt tries to convince mavis that her plan to win back buddy is stupid/CRAZY, but does she listen to sane matt? hahahaha, mavis only cares about mavis... :P

this one came from the minds of screenwriter diablo cody, who wrote juno and jennifer’s body, and director, jason reitman, who directed both juno and up in the air. the movie is well edited with lots of quirks, dark humor, and good writing, but... this one fell short because mavis could have been more developed (matt too), and you never get the sense that she decides to grow from this experience/humiliation. (unlike juno) one can’t help but hate on bitchy mavis, but at the same time, you feel sorry for her because she is clinically depressed. the bitch tries SO HARD to pretend her life is better than those living in boring mercury, but fact of the matter is...buddy and his wife are legitimately happy. (and mavis can’t STAND that!) this one should have been funnier, but wasn’t... bah, i want a movie like juno back! :/