THE THREE MUSKETEERS
2 out of 5 stars

OK... airships, really? orlando bloom as a fashionista villain? REALLY? all the eye-rolling that occurred throughout this one made it quite “special”... :P

basically, this one is all about the classic alexandre dumas novel, but really REALLY REALLY watered-down. (my guess is that they were trying to cater towards middle school kids, but not the best job) the three musketeers this time are...matthew macfadyen (remember him from pillars of the earth? the priest!), luke evans (he was zeus in immortals...ugh), and ray stevenson. (volstagg from thor!) the three decide to break into davinci’s vault in venice to steal the blueprints to davinci’s airship with the help of milady AKA the countess de winter. (milla jovovich) they succeed but then...the countess betrays the musketeers by teaming up with the “evil” duke of bukingham. (orlando bloom...who actually looks good with a goat tee!) i can’t remember if it’s one year or five, but years pass and the musketeers are apparently disbanded by the king of france, louis XIII, and doing odd jobs around paris. (but oddly enough...they live together? i swear this movie has more plotholes than swiss cheese, LOL) they all cross paths with a young man named d’artagnan (logan lerman AKA percy jackson!), who wants to become a musketeer himself. it’s then that they decide that they all have the same enemy...ROCHEFORT. (mads mikkelsen sporting yet ANOTHER eye patch) rochefort HATES the musketeers, and works with the evil cardinal richelieu (christoph waltz- ugh...you are such a waste of talent to be starring in a shitshow like this! :P) to get rid of the musketeers forever as well as the king. there’s a lot of double crossing and airship dueling and mission planning, but honestly i can’t really remember what happened after all that. sounds like an oscar winner, right? :P

like i said...this movie seems like it was written for kids BY KIDS. the writing is awful, the acting is meh, and paul w.s. anderson is certainly NOT paul anderson. (the latter wrote there will be blood and this obviously doesn’t even remotely measure up...) one of my favorite actors, christoph waltz, plays up the true villain well, but his role isn’t enough to give this movie an extra star. booooo... could have been better. you’re better off watching the 1993 version with charlie sheen and keifer sutherland. at least then you’d be WINNING! :P (never gets old!)

HAPPY FEET TWO
4 out of 5 stars

i’m baaaaaaaack!!! :P (sorry, i got distracted with my card making project AND on top of that, i’ve decided to take on the netflix top 100 challenge. so it was DISTRACTIONS GALORE the past two weeks!)

so, unto this movie review… happy feet two is all about erik (who’s the son of mumble and gloria from the original movie) and his infactuation with the mighty scandavian SVEN. (voiced by hank azaria) ramon (voiced by robin williams…with a spanish accent! ole!) randomly decides to go back to woo his own penguin kind, and the kids (erik and his friends) follow him there. mumble (voiced by elijah wood) worries about his little offspring, so he follows him and finds him listening to the preachings of lovelace (voiced by robin williams…again) and the mighty sven. (howdy-doody!) while they’re preaching about how sven can fly and how the “aliens” (humans) saved them, mumble tries to bring erik and his friends back home. along the way, they encounter a big-ass elephant seal named bryan AND find out that emperor penguinland is encased by icebergs…thanks to a lovely thing called global warming. while all this is happening on the surface, we’re introduced to will and bill the krill(s). (voiced by brad pitt and matt damon respectively)

basically, will and bill are like the shrimp equivalent to that lil’ annoying squirrel from ice age. (but this time, they’re really funny and could have made it on their own in their own movie) it’s pretty much the same-old song and dance from the first movie, but this one…with more pop tunes. (and a random operatic song from erik re: his father…LOL) p!ink does a great job replacing brittany murphy (RIP), who died back in 09?  plus, the baby penguins' voices are soooo adorablezzz.  i thought it was super cute, but that’s just me… who doesn’t have a soft spot for singing and dancing penguins?! COMEON!!! :P