SUPER 8
5 out of 5 stars

OMG, i LOVED this!!! it reminded me soooooo much of E.T., which it was suppose to because this was suppose to be a nod to steven spielberg’s sci-fi movies of the 80s and 90s, and it does JUST that! for a second, i thought this was going to be another cloverfield with an alien terrorizing a poor lil’ town, but there’s some depth here that makes this story special. LOVED this… ;)

so, the reason why this movie is called super 8 is because the boys in this movie are filming a zombie movie, so that they can enter it into their town’s film festival…using a super 8 camera. the movie is set in 1979, in a lil’ town called lillian, where joe lamb and his father, jackson AKA the deputy sheriff live. the movie starts with an accident at a steel manufacturing factory that kills joe’s mother, and it devestates pretty much the entire town esp. joe. everyone’s concerned about his well-being because he is so young, but he seems to be a well-adjusted kid with lots of friends. a few months pass, and his fatty friend charles tells him that he’s gotten alice (ella fanning- all teened out!) to agree to play a part in his movie. joe is surprised by this, but is excited to be working closely with her because he liiiiikes her. ;) they decide to sneak out around midnight to film their takes at the train station, but then joe sees a pickup truck intentionally crash into an airforce train, derailing it and causing all sorts of explosions! the kids manage to barely make it out alive, but then realize that their honors biology teacher, dr. woodward was driving the pickup truck. (!) WTF was he driving the truck, and why did he cause the train to crash??? the questions are posed, and the answers are good and juicy. ;) (and thanku for making sense unlike LOST)

as much as we can rag on LOST for plotholes and crazy plot twists that never went anywhere, the best part of that whole series were the human interactions and the characters that were developed oh-so-well. same thing can be said about this movie esp. joe and his interactions with his father, friends, and even the alien. the whole alien sub-story is like PSYCHO E.T. because he is not a happy alien, and will do whatever it takes to “phone home”. the script is well-written, and it’ll totally remind you of E.T., the goonies, stand by me, LOL…a little bit of independence day. i totally appreciated the mystery of the alien esp. when you get to see the footage of the crash via a super 8 camera. ;)

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (2011)
2 out of 5 stars

ohhhh, jason mamoa... ;) his career has been revitalized by his role on game of thrones as KHAAAAAL DROOOOOOGO, and thus, he stars in this crazy barbarian shitshow. 1hr and 52min of muscular men fighting muscular men with a pretty maiden and then a not-so-much pretty maiden AKA the fugly bitch character rose mcgowan plays... i’m gonna campaign to bring AHNOLD back now. :P

so, this 2011 version of conan the barbarian starts from the very beginning, where a skull mask was created by this sorcerer named acheron. the blood from his sacrifice would unleash the power from the skull mask, and he enslaved the entire world with that power. the barbaric tribes of cimmeria (where conan is from) defeated acheron, and smashed the mask into a bazillion pieces with each tribe taking/hiding a piece. fast-forward a couple hundred years later, conan is born via the world’s first C-section on the battlefield, and one day, while he’s practicing his sword moves in the forest, his village is attacked by some warlord guy named khlar zym. (stephen lang AKA the bad dude from avatar) khlar wants the last piece of the skull mask, and all he has to do now is find the “pureblood” so that he can revive his sorceress wife maliva, and with her powers, he can become a god. (seriously- that’s his master plan!) he’s also got this really fugly-looking bitch daughter named marique whose got freddy kreugger fingers, and boy...she really is fugly. :P they kill poor lil’ conan’s father, and after his village is ransacked, he swears vengeance for all cimmerians! RAWRRRRRR!!!

it’s OK, and there’s a lot of balls-to-the-wall action going on here. the acting is over-the-top cheese, but then again, it’s not like this movie was going for an academy award nom, LOL. (or was it? b/c that was be f-ing hilarious... :P) jason mamoa sure looks good shirtless, flexing all the muscles in that FOINE body, and i for one am glad, he got himself a speaking role this time! khal drogo is such a good character, but he’s such a man of few words (but tons of grunting), that conan is a philsopher compared to khal. but i’m sticking with game of thrones b/c the script and lack of a good plot made me yawn waaaaay too much in this one. ;)

HORRIBLE BOSSES
4 out of 5 stars

“you can’t win a marathon without putting some band-aids on your nipples” – dave harken (world’s most horrible boss)

“have you ever seen that show gossip girl? i watched an episode last night. i fingered myself so hard last night....i broke a nail.” – dr. julia harris (poster child for sexual harassment)

“we got to trim some of the fat around here. i want you to fire all the fat people.” – bobby pellit (world’s biggest tool)

OMG, this movie was HILARIOUS! soooooo many great moments in this one esp. since the bosses are just as hilarious as the three dudes who want them dead. if you thought your boss was bad, wait until you see kevin spacy’s character, dave harken. FUCKING PSYCHO. :P

so, this movie is about the B word: BOSS. the movie stars 3 characters: 1) nick (jason bateman from arrested development) who works at some corporate place with a shark for a boss. david harken berates nick for being 2 minutes late, and requires all of his employees to be at work by 6AM. he also verbally hints to nick that he’s looking at him for a promotion, which...he will never give him. does that sound like somebody you might know? ;) 2) dale (charlie day from it’s always sunny in philly!) who is a dental assistant for the world’s most sexual harassing boss/dentist, dr. julia harris. (jennifer aniston as a brunette for once!) some really REALLY funny moments between dale and julia esp. since the sexual harassment is waaaaay over the top. :P aaaaand 3) kurt (jason sudeikis AKA floyd from 30 rock!) who ends up working for a complete toolbag (a hilarious colin farrell with a ridic comb over!) when his real boss gets a heart attack and dies. the trio get together to talk about their work problems, but kurt suggests that they kill their bosses...sorta as a joke. the joke turns real, and the guys suddenly hire their murder “consultant” AKA muthafucker jones (jamie foxx), who gives them murder advice on how to carry out a hit. so now, the trio are in knee deep...doing recon at their bosses’ homes by figuring out their weaknesses, and basically trying to stay alive when harken decides to kill them? :P

really FUNNY and the bosses are equally as funny as the three comedians who star in this. i think that’s probably what makes this worthwhile, but i do have to say that the script could have been written a little better. MORE WIT, PLEASE!!! i also thought the bosses could have been meaner, but you know what, i’ll take this. ;)

THE MUPPETS

4 out of 5 stars

“it’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight! and now let’s get things started, why don’t you get things started. it’s time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational muppetational...this is what we call the MUPPET SHOW!”

LOL, what a clever comeback to the big screen after several years! with the help of jason segel and the musical talent of bret mckenzie from flight of the conchords, the muppets are brought back to the silver screen for an awesome reunion this thanksgiving. ;)

we have newbie muppet walter, who is the muppet equiv./”brother” of gary (jason segel), whose life changed when he watched the muppet show for the first time as a young boy. growing up in smalltown was hard for walter as a muppet esp. since he couldn’t ride roller coasters with gary b/c of his height issue. (LOL, aww...) but walter gets really excited when he finds out that gary has purchased bus tickets for a trip to...los angeles! gary and walter sing their way to the bus stop, picking up gary’s GF, mary (amy adams), and the trio are off to visit the old muppet studio in LA. while on the muppet studio tour led by alan arkin (LOL, there’s a LOT of celeb cameos in this movie), walter stumbles into kermit’s old office, where he overhears evil oil tycoon, tex richman (chris cooper) talk about his plans to destroy the studio and drill for oil down below. walters freaks out, and the trio then go to kermit the frog’s mansion in beverly hills to convince him to get back with the ol’ gang. LOL, cut to them tracking down all the different muppets including gonzo who’s now a corporate mogul who’s made millions in the toilet/plumbing biz, miss piggy who is a vogue editor living in paris, fozzie bear (WOCKA, WOCKA!) who’s playing with the moopets in a crappy reno casino, and ah-nee-mahl who is in a celeb anger management rehab center....with jack black. hahahahaha... :)

all the songs are great, and like i said, there’s a ton of celeb cameos in this one. i mean, if the muppets needed your help, who would turn down their requests, right? although the muppets may not be popular now, they still bring back that sentimental feeling of when you first watched and giggled throughout the muppet show. (i’m talking to you- ppl born in the late 70s and early 80s) and even after all these years, the muppets still got it! i would have preferred to have them spoof more pop culture throughout this one, just like they did in their trailers... but hey, it’s the holiday season, and i’ll take this. GREAT job, all around... ;)

PRIEST
2 out of 5 stars

ehh, i didn’t have high hopes for this reli-horror movie. but does paul bettany have a contract with screen gems to actually star in these awful reli-horror flicks?! the angel one he last starred in was alright, but this one really flopped… i know it’s based upon a korean graphic novel and all, but this wasn’t even that stylized or interesting! hmm… :/

paul bettany (such a wonderful actor- why are you starring in crap like this?) is a priest, a vampire hunter of sorts, who works for the church. the church in this world runs the city like a police state, so there’s mandatory confessions run by a computer program, priests who protect the city from vampires, and a council of monsignors who run the city and believe vampires are no longer a threat… well, little do they know that a family is attacked by vicious vampires, and that a young girl has been kidnapped by said vampires. that young girl happens to be priest’s niece, and sheriff hicks (hottie cam gigandet!) tracks priest down to go after the vamps. they track the kidnappers to a vampire reservation, then to the hive, then to jericho, where the kidnappers basically slaughter the whole village… there’s always a villain in these types of movies, and it happens to be a guy called black hat (karl urban), who used to be a priest before he got “infected”. the priest and black hat used to be friends/colleagues, so that makes it an interesting relationship… ;)

so, stephen moyer AKA bill compton from true blood is in this… that guy can’t seem to get away from the vampire genre, huh? :P he’s got a very small cameo type role as the father of the kidnapped girl and also priest’s brother too! (that was sort of a plot twist but not really) the plot is very shallow, and you almost want there to be some sort of conspiracy but it never happens! BOO… also, this wasn’t as stylized as it should have been, which makes you want to watch underworld b/c this is just a lame/knock-off of UW. BOO again… :/

p.s. best scene in the whole movie is when he starts reciting from the bible, then these crazy ninja-star crucifixes fly out to kill vamps. really unexpected, and wished the whole movie was like that! COMEON! :P

THE AMERICAN
1 out of 5 stars

such a disappointment… :/ george clooney tries hard in this (indie) foreign movie about an american “assassin” who falls in love with a hooker, has a bunch of swedes trying to kill him, and all this happening in a small italian village a few hours outside of rome. wow, i can’t believe i just summarized the plot for ya! :P

so, like I said, george clooney is jack the assassin, working for some guy named pavel, but we learn NOTHING about him throughout this movie nor why he needs to go into hiding. (the answer is that something went wrong and now someone is sending ppl to kill jack) pavel tells him to hide out in some small italian village outside of rome, and he does just that. except that…he befriends father benetto and an italian prostitute named carla. (he actually falls in love with her) one thing about assassins is that they probably should NEVER fall in love… but jack doesn’t care. pavel tells him that he’s got a job for him, and that’s to build a custom weapon for an associate of his named mathilde. she tells him what specs she wants and such, and he starts building… there’s an endgame to all of this, but nothing thrilling like you’d expect from a clooney movie. :/

this one had potential to be great because it was from focus features, but i just couldn’t get myself to like it. i’m not sure if it had to do with the casting or idunno…LACK OF character development or plot?! we learn NOTHING about jack the assassin nor his backstory, and you get absolutely no sense to why he’s in the situation he’s in… this one fails as a thriller on sooooooo many levels, but at least there’s a hot sex scene and the italian scenery is nice. was jack suppose to be a james bond type b/c he sure liked hooking up with bond-like babes? maybe next time, i’ll just stick with a bond film and 007 daniel craig. :P

FAST FIVE
4 out of 5 stars

VROOM, VROOM, baby… ;)

vin diesel and his crew are back for the…5th time, pulling off heists, racing in their tricked out vehicles, making out with hot chicks, and did i mention that their WHOLE crew is back?! i mean, they brought back everyone from the previous F&F movies including luda, tyrese, the hot israeli chick from 4, AND my fave…HAN! (the token asian dude from tokyo drift!) :P

so, the movie picks up where they left off with F&F 4… brian o’conner (a slim paul walker- still a cutie!) and dominic toretto’s sister mia (a very tan jordana brewster) ride in their tricked out vehicles to free dominic (vin diesel- he’s gotten bigger!) on his way to prison. the three flee down south to rio de janiero, where brian and mia seek out vince, dom’s partner-in-crime from F&F 1, where he’s been living to lay low from u.s. authorities. vince sets up a job, where they’ll need to figure out a way to steal some highend vehicles seized by the DEA on a high-speed train. they steal the cars using this tricked out dune buggy that attaches itself to the train, but things go wrong when 2 guys on this crew decide to get tough with brian and dom. 3 DEA agents are killed in the shootout/craziness, so the agency retaliates by sending their finest agent AKA luke hobbs…it’s the ROCK! (govt name: dwayne johnson) once the dust settles, dom and his crew figure out that there’s a computer chip in one of the stolen cars that gives the locations of the cash houses of “investor” hernan reyes, who apparently runs rio with his blood $. dom decides to steal that $, thus the heist is on! ;)

i like the fact that they’re in south america this time, and it looks like they beat the ppl producing the brazillian job to the punch. not as clever of a heist, but still… it’s all about the cars, muscular men, hot chicks, and more rappers in one movie than in a single music video. :P (reggaeton rappers don omar and tego calderon are in this!) this one wasn’t as good as the original, but still the same at the very core. kind of a continuation of F&F 4, and you know ppl are already excited about F&F 6, which may star another car movie star, jason statham. maybe an english heist for the next one? i think a lot of F&F and transporter fans minds will be blown if that really happens… ;)

JANE EYRE
4 out of 5 stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uOZQkKHOFE&feature=fvwrel
you can’t go wrong with a focus features film... ;)

now, before you roll your eyes and exclaim “BUT THIS WILL BE EXACTLY LIKE THE BOOK!!!” this time...2011 version of jane eyre gets a young/fresh cast with mia wasikowska (from tim burton’s alice in wonderland) as the titular jane and michael fassbender (from inglorious basterds and x-men: first class) as the prickly rochester. the movie starts with an upset jane running away from thornfield hall...ending up in the middle of the night, at the wet doorsteps of the rivers’ family home. st. john rivers and his sisters take jane in, and as they nurse her back to health, jane reminisces about her childhood, her schooldays at lowood school, then her job as governess to a young french girl named sophie valens, mr. rochester’s ward. she’s welcomed by the warm housekeeper, mrs. fairfax, whom jane mistakens as the owner of thornfield hall, but then meets the real owner when she scares rochester’s horse in the woods. from there, rochester is intrigued by jane’s plain beauty and spirit and wit, and eventually, falls in love with her. jane too falls for rochester, but there’s a secret that keeps them from getting married... (if you’ve read the book, you know what goes bump in the night has to do with rochester’s past!)

it’s beautifully done, and the repressed sexuality between fassbender and mia is actually quite good. fassbender is sexy and arrogant and such a man’s MAN, where mia personifies innocence, youth, and obedience. jane eyre is one of my favorite literary characters because she’s the perfect balance of someone who conscience of her own moral character as well as her love for a man whom she loves wholeheartedly. she stands by her virtues, and mia exemplifies just that in her character of jane. the scenery, the soundtrack, and of course, the acting is all great! how can you go wrong with fassbender and judi dench in a semi-period film?! :P

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
4 out of 5 stars

johann schmidt: “what makes you so special?”
steve rogers: “nothing. i’m just a kid from brooklyn.”

he may be just a kid, but he can sure pack a punch and wield that shield like a capt! FOR AMERICA!!! :P

steve rogers (hottie chris evans) may have started out as a beanpole kid from brooklyn, but his story continues as the first avenger during WWII, fighting ‘dem nazis esp. one badass krazy kraut named johann schmidt AKA the RED SKULL. (hugo weaving with a great german accent) after five unsuccessful attempts at enlisting in the u.s. army, steve rogers goes for one last shot after going to the howard stark expo with his friend bucky barnes. (sebastian stan) he is greeted by dr. erskine (stanley tucci), who decides that steve is the perfect candidate for his serum project. col. phillips (tommy lee jones- so awesomely casted in this role!) disagrees, but decides to move forth with the project. they take skinny-ass steve to a secret facility in brooklyn, and dr. erskine (with the help and technological support of howard stark- TONY’S DAD!) juice up steve turning him into...CAPTAIN AMERICA. let’s go kill some nazis!!! :P (the rest is pretty much just that...)

would i say that this was better than thor? in some ways, YES... i think a lot had to do with the fact that the villain here was just hellbent on destruction and well, insane. made hitler look like a pussy. THAT...and of course, loads of fun, lots of good action, and of course, lots of science and weapons development! it’s essentially stark technologies vs. johann schmidt AKA hydra technologies, and you start to see how the avengers are all inter-connected... (i.e. howard stark’s involvement, the asgard power that fuels schmidt’s work, etc.) you know it’s all leading up to the avengers movie next summer! gosh...esp. with the ending to this one. like we didn’t see the presence of S.H.I.E.L.D. coming from a mile away, right?! well, i can’t wait regardless... ;)