OUR IDIOT BROTHER
4 out of 5 stars

“you know, he’s just a little boy. little boys fight. doesn’t mean he’s going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist.” – the one and only nedrick rochlin re: his nephew river

LOL, this movie was very touching and heartfelt! we really shouldn’t be calling ned an idiot per se because he’s essentially just a really really really nice guy whose naive and clueless about...well, life. :P

ned (played wonderfully by paul rudd) is a free-lovin’ hippie who lives on a farm waaaaay the hell out in rural NY, growing all the pot he can smoke + all the vegetables he can grow with his GF janet and canine companion named willie nelson. one fine day, ned is approached by a cop who wants some MJ, and ned giving into the cop’s story of having a “bad day”, sells him some. ned is arrested, thrown in jail, but then the prison releases him early because of his good behavior. too bad for ned, his GF has moved on, and kicks him out. (he even loses custody of his dog!) so, he moves back home to live with his mom, but then he also stays with each of his sisters, who really don’t want him around... they are: 1) liz- a frumpy emily mortimer whose got a cheating husband and is overwhelmed by motherhood 2) miranda- bitchy and bossy elizabeth banks who is a writer/journalist for vanity fair magazine and in love with her neighbor jeremy but doesn’t know it yet 3) natalie- a hipster zooey deschanel...when is she NOT a hipster in a movie?! all 3 can’t stand ned interfering with their lives, but then they realize he only means well. ;)

it’s a good movie about the importance of siblings and family in general. whether you like it or not, family is family... the character of ned is a great one, but it would have been even better if the sisters were just as developed as he was. (i.e. arrested development) i think that’s pretty much what they were going for, but this one fell short. but one thing is for certain....paul rudd sure can play a free-loading hippie well. ;)

CARS 2
4 out of 5 stars

“do not try the free pistachio ice cream! it done turn!” – mater

i never saw the original cars movie, but i thought i’d give cars 2 a chance because i love how pixar can give life to anything...toys, a rat who likes to cook, monsters, even cars! ;)

lightning mcqueen (voiced by owen wilson) and his BFF tow mater (voiced by larry the cable guy) are baaaaack, and the race is on in japan, italy and england! an electric car billionaire named sir axelrod is hosting the world grand prix, and an italian race car named francesco talks the talk egging on lightning to participate in the WGP. so, lightning and mater travel to tokyo, japan, where they watch sumo car wrestling, experience the streets of tokyo, and mater even gets a taste of “pistachio ice cream.” :P but when mater makes a total fool of himself at the WGP reception, he runs into a secret agent working with finn mcmissile (voiced by michael caine) and holly shiftwell (voiced by emily mortimer), part of british intelligence trying to infiltrate and gather intelligence on known villain prof. Z and his mystery accomplice, whose trying to sabotage the race. mater gets involved in international espionage, and pretty soon...he’s turned into super agent mater! :P

now, if you’re gonna critique a pixar movie, you gotta compare it to ALL the other pixar movies they’ve ever created. this one falls a little short because they are cars afterall, but still cute with a good message i.e. friends always stick together and be happy with who you are, etc. (typical disney message...we get it) my fave part though was when mater is trying to escape from the villain’s HQs, and he’s accidentally voice-activating his new “features”. HILARIOUS... i thought the voice of larry the cable guy was PERFECT for mater, and the same goes for the british intelligence agent cars. it’s nice to see personalities in each car, but i think it could have been wittier. too geared towards kids and they dumbed it down too much... like mater, i don’t think pixar/disney should underestimate the intelligence of kids these days. ;)

BAD TEACHER
2 out of 5 stars

man... elizabeth halsey is one baaaaaaaad teacher. she’s crass, a gold diggin’ whore, and probably the worst teacher whose ever graced the profession. (if we can even call her a teacher b/c she doesn’t really teach...) cameron diaz nails as the hottie elizabeth, but the rest of the movie....ehh, not so much. :/

so, the movie starts with teachers popping champagne, and they’re celebrating the end of the school year. as it turns out, elizabeth hasley (cameron diaz) is leaving john adams middle school for good (so she thinks) because she’s got a rock on her finger, and a brand spankin’ new mercedes ready to GTFO of this school. she HATES teaching, but comes back to it because her rich fiance dumps her after realizing that she’s nothing but a gold diggin’ whore... :P things are looking bleak for literally poor elizabeth, until scott the new substitute teacher arrives at JAMS. (justin timberlake- ugh... worst role yet!) she immediately sinks her claws into him, but he seems to like another teacher...amy squirrel. (that’s right...just like the animal. :P) she’s determined to win his heart AND his wallet, but maybe she’ll decide to go for funny gym teacher russell? (jason segel) sort of a rom com, so predict the obvious. ;)

this had potential to be great, but acting sucks all around esp. JT. pleeeeeease stick with the music! unless it’s a really funny role i.e. SNL. the character of amy squirrel was just annoying, and i thought this could have been way funnier. some moments were good esp. the principal and his obsession with dolphins and the use of the annie wig. question: was this made by the same ppl who gave us bad santa?! if so, WTF happened?! :/

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN:
ON STRANGER TIDES
4 out of 5 stars

“who’s to say i won’t live forever? but, you know what? it’s a pirate’s life for me, savvy?”
– capt. jack sparrow (THE ONE AND ONLY)

i wouldn’t say it’s as good as the original (nothing ever beats the original(s) of any movie, really), but it’s still just as good and witty. capt. jack sparrow is baaaaaack for a high-seas adventure, but sans (w/o) pussy-ass will turner or keira knightley. (GOOD!) instead, all the good regulars AKA barbossa (geoffrey rush), jack’s dad- a brief cameo (LOL, keith richards) and newbies angelica (penelope cruz) and blackbeard (ian mcshane) join in on the quest to find the fountain of youth. ;)

so, essentially, the movie starts with some spanish fishermen, who help out an old man caught in their fishing net. they bring the old man to their king, who decides to seek out the “fountain of youth” immediately. meanwhile, in london, capt. jack sparrow is supposedly to hang for his crimes on the high seas. as it turns out, it’s not really jack, but master gibbs, his first mate! :P so, where is jack? well, disguised as the judge of his own trial, of course! (such a cunning bastard!) turns out, he’s planned this elaborate escape, but then ends up in a shackled meeting with the king because king george wants jack to help capt. barbossa find the fountain of youth before the spaniards do. jack escapes...duh, but only to find out who’s been circulating a rumor that he’s procuring a crew in order to find the fountain of youth... as it turns out, he finds the imposter to be none other than his former flame...angelica, who happens to also be blackbeard’s daughter. he unwillingly ends up as a crew member on blackbeard’s ship, the queen anne’s revenge, and tries to come up with ways to get out of helping blackbeard...LOL. :P

i just love the character, jack sparrow, and johnny depp plays him soooooo well! he truly makes these pirate movies worthwhile, and it looks like the entire cast had fun playing their respective characters. BEST scenes: when jack escapes after his “meeting” with king george, the peg leg flask scene with barbossa, the fight scene between the redcoats and angelica & jack, intro. scene of the mermaids, the mutiny and intro. scene of blackbeard, and of course, the ending. it’s a FUNNY and swash bucklin’ movie feat. our favorite pirate...capt. jack. what’s there not to love? ;)

THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
5 out of 5 stars

“jack?! JACK?! i’m only an elected official! i can’t make decisions by myself!!!” – the mayor

i don’t think there’s anyone who would hate on this stop-motion classic made by tim burton! at a short 70-some minutes, i only wish this movie was longer... all the songs are great and of course, the animation is really well-produced. the characters are gothic yet cute, and the story is quite an original one. ;) (read futher if you’ve never seen this yet)

skeleton jack the pumpkin king is tired of the same halloween year after year after year, and as he walks throughout the night, he and his ghost dog find themselves at the door of different holidays. he opens the door to the one with a christmas tree, and falls into a world filled with elves, lights, snow, and of course, santa claus! jack comes back to halloweentown with new ideas to revamp halloween, but in the process of revamping, he decides to take over christmas entirely. probably not the best idea, but jack goes ahead and gets the townsfolk to participate in all endeavors i.e. getting the trick-or-treaters to kidnap poor santa, getting sally to make his santa outfit, getting the professor to create his sleigh and “reindeer”, and all others to make “christmas gifts”. but taking over another’s holiday is obviously NOT the greatest idea esp. when christmas and halloween are as night and day... it’s a really cute story with tons of songs and great animation. E.G.:

“in this town, we call home, everyone hail to the pumpkin song!”

:)

SUPER 8
5 out of 5 stars

OMG, i LOVED this!!! it reminded me soooooo much of E.T., which it was suppose to because this was suppose to be a nod to steven spielberg’s sci-fi movies of the 80s and 90s, and it does JUST that! for a second, i thought this was going to be another cloverfield with an alien terrorizing a poor lil’ town, but there’s some depth here that makes this story special. LOVED this… ;)

so, the reason why this movie is called super 8 is because the boys in this movie are filming a zombie movie, so that they can enter it into their town’s film festival…using a super 8 camera. the movie is set in 1979, in a lil’ town called lillian, where joe lamb and his father, jackson AKA the deputy sheriff live. the movie starts with an accident at a steel manufacturing factory that kills joe’s mother, and it devestates pretty much the entire town esp. joe. everyone’s concerned about his well-being because he is so young, but he seems to be a well-adjusted kid with lots of friends. a few months pass, and his fatty friend charles tells him that he’s gotten alice (ella fanning- all teened out!) to agree to play a part in his movie. joe is surprised by this, but is excited to be working closely with her because he liiiiikes her. ;) they decide to sneak out around midnight to film their takes at the train station, but then joe sees a pickup truck intentionally crash into an airforce train, derailing it and causing all sorts of explosions! the kids manage to barely make it out alive, but then realize that their honors biology teacher, dr. woodward was driving the pickup truck. (!) WTF was he driving the truck, and why did he cause the train to crash??? the questions are posed, and the answers are good and juicy. ;) (and thanku for making sense unlike LOST)

as much as we can rag on LOST for plotholes and crazy plot twists that never went anywhere, the best part of that whole series were the human interactions and the characters that were developed oh-so-well. same thing can be said about this movie esp. joe and his interactions with his father, friends, and even the alien. the whole alien sub-story is like PSYCHO E.T. because he is not a happy alien, and will do whatever it takes to “phone home”. the script is well-written, and it’ll totally remind you of E.T., the goonies, stand by me, LOL…a little bit of independence day. i totally appreciated the mystery of the alien esp. when you get to see the footage of the crash via a super 8 camera. ;)

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (2011)
2 out of 5 stars

ohhhh, jason mamoa... ;) his career has been revitalized by his role on game of thrones as KHAAAAAL DROOOOOOGO, and thus, he stars in this crazy barbarian shitshow. 1hr and 52min of muscular men fighting muscular men with a pretty maiden and then a not-so-much pretty maiden AKA the fugly bitch character rose mcgowan plays... i’m gonna campaign to bring AHNOLD back now. :P

so, this 2011 version of conan the barbarian starts from the very beginning, where a skull mask was created by this sorcerer named acheron. the blood from his sacrifice would unleash the power from the skull mask, and he enslaved the entire world with that power. the barbaric tribes of cimmeria (where conan is from) defeated acheron, and smashed the mask into a bazillion pieces with each tribe taking/hiding a piece. fast-forward a couple hundred years later, conan is born via the world’s first C-section on the battlefield, and one day, while he’s practicing his sword moves in the forest, his village is attacked by some warlord guy named khlar zym. (stephen lang AKA the bad dude from avatar) khlar wants the last piece of the skull mask, and all he has to do now is find the “pureblood” so that he can revive his sorceress wife maliva, and with her powers, he can become a god. (seriously- that’s his master plan!) he’s also got this really fugly-looking bitch daughter named marique whose got freddy kreugger fingers, and boy...she really is fugly. :P they kill poor lil’ conan’s father, and after his village is ransacked, he swears vengeance for all cimmerians! RAWRRRRRR!!!

it’s OK, and there’s a lot of balls-to-the-wall action going on here. the acting is over-the-top cheese, but then again, it’s not like this movie was going for an academy award nom, LOL. (or was it? b/c that was be f-ing hilarious... :P) jason mamoa sure looks good shirtless, flexing all the muscles in that FOINE body, and i for one am glad, he got himself a speaking role this time! khal drogo is such a good character, but he’s such a man of few words (but tons of grunting), that conan is a philsopher compared to khal. but i’m sticking with game of thrones b/c the script and lack of a good plot made me yawn waaaaay too much in this one. ;)

HORRIBLE BOSSES
4 out of 5 stars

“you can’t win a marathon without putting some band-aids on your nipples” – dave harken (world’s most horrible boss)

“have you ever seen that show gossip girl? i watched an episode last night. i fingered myself so hard last night....i broke a nail.” – dr. julia harris (poster child for sexual harassment)

“we got to trim some of the fat around here. i want you to fire all the fat people.” – bobby pellit (world’s biggest tool)

OMG, this movie was HILARIOUS! soooooo many great moments in this one esp. since the bosses are just as hilarious as the three dudes who want them dead. if you thought your boss was bad, wait until you see kevin spacy’s character, dave harken. FUCKING PSYCHO. :P

so, this movie is about the B word: BOSS. the movie stars 3 characters: 1) nick (jason bateman from arrested development) who works at some corporate place with a shark for a boss. david harken berates nick for being 2 minutes late, and requires all of his employees to be at work by 6AM. he also verbally hints to nick that he’s looking at him for a promotion, which...he will never give him. does that sound like somebody you might know? ;) 2) dale (charlie day from it’s always sunny in philly!) who is a dental assistant for the world’s most sexual harassing boss/dentist, dr. julia harris. (jennifer aniston as a brunette for once!) some really REALLY funny moments between dale and julia esp. since the sexual harassment is waaaaay over the top. :P aaaaand 3) kurt (jason sudeikis AKA floyd from 30 rock!) who ends up working for a complete toolbag (a hilarious colin farrell with a ridic comb over!) when his real boss gets a heart attack and dies. the trio get together to talk about their work problems, but kurt suggests that they kill their bosses...sorta as a joke. the joke turns real, and the guys suddenly hire their murder “consultant” AKA muthafucker jones (jamie foxx), who gives them murder advice on how to carry out a hit. so now, the trio are in knee deep...doing recon at their bosses’ homes by figuring out their weaknesses, and basically trying to stay alive when harken decides to kill them? :P

really FUNNY and the bosses are equally as funny as the three comedians who star in this. i think that’s probably what makes this worthwhile, but i do have to say that the script could have been written a little better. MORE WIT, PLEASE!!! i also thought the bosses could have been meaner, but you know what, i’ll take this. ;)

THE MUPPETS

4 out of 5 stars

“it’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight! and now let’s get things started, why don’t you get things started. it’s time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational muppetational...this is what we call the MUPPET SHOW!”

LOL, what a clever comeback to the big screen after several years! with the help of jason segel and the musical talent of bret mckenzie from flight of the conchords, the muppets are brought back to the silver screen for an awesome reunion this thanksgiving. ;)

we have newbie muppet walter, who is the muppet equiv./”brother” of gary (jason segel), whose life changed when he watched the muppet show for the first time as a young boy. growing up in smalltown was hard for walter as a muppet esp. since he couldn’t ride roller coasters with gary b/c of his height issue. (LOL, aww...) but walter gets really excited when he finds out that gary has purchased bus tickets for a trip to...los angeles! gary and walter sing their way to the bus stop, picking up gary’s GF, mary (amy adams), and the trio are off to visit the old muppet studio in LA. while on the muppet studio tour led by alan arkin (LOL, there’s a LOT of celeb cameos in this movie), walter stumbles into kermit’s old office, where he overhears evil oil tycoon, tex richman (chris cooper) talk about his plans to destroy the studio and drill for oil down below. walters freaks out, and the trio then go to kermit the frog’s mansion in beverly hills to convince him to get back with the ol’ gang. LOL, cut to them tracking down all the different muppets including gonzo who’s now a corporate mogul who’s made millions in the toilet/plumbing biz, miss piggy who is a vogue editor living in paris, fozzie bear (WOCKA, WOCKA!) who’s playing with the moopets in a crappy reno casino, and ah-nee-mahl who is in a celeb anger management rehab center....with jack black. hahahahaha... :)

all the songs are great, and like i said, there’s a ton of celeb cameos in this one. i mean, if the muppets needed your help, who would turn down their requests, right? although the muppets may not be popular now, they still bring back that sentimental feeling of when you first watched and giggled throughout the muppet show. (i’m talking to you- ppl born in the late 70s and early 80s) and even after all these years, the muppets still got it! i would have preferred to have them spoof more pop culture throughout this one, just like they did in their trailers... but hey, it’s the holiday season, and i’ll take this. GREAT job, all around... ;)

PRIEST
2 out of 5 stars

ehh, i didn’t have high hopes for this reli-horror movie. but does paul bettany have a contract with screen gems to actually star in these awful reli-horror flicks?! the angel one he last starred in was alright, but this one really flopped… i know it’s based upon a korean graphic novel and all, but this wasn’t even that stylized or interesting! hmm… :/

paul bettany (such a wonderful actor- why are you starring in crap like this?) is a priest, a vampire hunter of sorts, who works for the church. the church in this world runs the city like a police state, so there’s mandatory confessions run by a computer program, priests who protect the city from vampires, and a council of monsignors who run the city and believe vampires are no longer a threat… well, little do they know that a family is attacked by vicious vampires, and that a young girl has been kidnapped by said vampires. that young girl happens to be priest’s niece, and sheriff hicks (hottie cam gigandet!) tracks priest down to go after the vamps. they track the kidnappers to a vampire reservation, then to the hive, then to jericho, where the kidnappers basically slaughter the whole village… there’s always a villain in these types of movies, and it happens to be a guy called black hat (karl urban), who used to be a priest before he got “infected”. the priest and black hat used to be friends/colleagues, so that makes it an interesting relationship… ;)

so, stephen moyer AKA bill compton from true blood is in this… that guy can’t seem to get away from the vampire genre, huh? :P he’s got a very small cameo type role as the father of the kidnapped girl and also priest’s brother too! (that was sort of a plot twist but not really) the plot is very shallow, and you almost want there to be some sort of conspiracy but it never happens! BOO… also, this wasn’t as stylized as it should have been, which makes you want to watch underworld b/c this is just a lame/knock-off of UW. BOO again… :/

p.s. best scene in the whole movie is when he starts reciting from the bible, then these crazy ninja-star crucifixes fly out to kill vamps. really unexpected, and wished the whole movie was like that! COMEON! :P

THE AMERICAN
1 out of 5 stars

such a disappointment… :/ george clooney tries hard in this (indie) foreign movie about an american “assassin” who falls in love with a hooker, has a bunch of swedes trying to kill him, and all this happening in a small italian village a few hours outside of rome. wow, i can’t believe i just summarized the plot for ya! :P

so, like I said, george clooney is jack the assassin, working for some guy named pavel, but we learn NOTHING about him throughout this movie nor why he needs to go into hiding. (the answer is that something went wrong and now someone is sending ppl to kill jack) pavel tells him to hide out in some small italian village outside of rome, and he does just that. except that…he befriends father benetto and an italian prostitute named carla. (he actually falls in love with her) one thing about assassins is that they probably should NEVER fall in love… but jack doesn’t care. pavel tells him that he’s got a job for him, and that’s to build a custom weapon for an associate of his named mathilde. she tells him what specs she wants and such, and he starts building… there’s an endgame to all of this, but nothing thrilling like you’d expect from a clooney movie. :/

this one had potential to be great because it was from focus features, but i just couldn’t get myself to like it. i’m not sure if it had to do with the casting or idunno…LACK OF character development or plot?! we learn NOTHING about jack the assassin nor his backstory, and you get absolutely no sense to why he’s in the situation he’s in… this one fails as a thriller on sooooooo many levels, but at least there’s a hot sex scene and the italian scenery is nice. was jack suppose to be a james bond type b/c he sure liked hooking up with bond-like babes? maybe next time, i’ll just stick with a bond film and 007 daniel craig. :P

FAST FIVE
4 out of 5 stars

VROOM, VROOM, baby… ;)

vin diesel and his crew are back for the…5th time, pulling off heists, racing in their tricked out vehicles, making out with hot chicks, and did i mention that their WHOLE crew is back?! i mean, they brought back everyone from the previous F&F movies including luda, tyrese, the hot israeli chick from 4, AND my fave…HAN! (the token asian dude from tokyo drift!) :P

so, the movie picks up where they left off with F&F 4… brian o’conner (a slim paul walker- still a cutie!) and dominic toretto’s sister mia (a very tan jordana brewster) ride in their tricked out vehicles to free dominic (vin diesel- he’s gotten bigger!) on his way to prison. the three flee down south to rio de janiero, where brian and mia seek out vince, dom’s partner-in-crime from F&F 1, where he’s been living to lay low from u.s. authorities. vince sets up a job, where they’ll need to figure out a way to steal some highend vehicles seized by the DEA on a high-speed train. they steal the cars using this tricked out dune buggy that attaches itself to the train, but things go wrong when 2 guys on this crew decide to get tough with brian and dom. 3 DEA agents are killed in the shootout/craziness, so the agency retaliates by sending their finest agent AKA luke hobbs…it’s the ROCK! (govt name: dwayne johnson) once the dust settles, dom and his crew figure out that there’s a computer chip in one of the stolen cars that gives the locations of the cash houses of “investor” hernan reyes, who apparently runs rio with his blood $. dom decides to steal that $, thus the heist is on! ;)

i like the fact that they’re in south america this time, and it looks like they beat the ppl producing the brazillian job to the punch. not as clever of a heist, but still… it’s all about the cars, muscular men, hot chicks, and more rappers in one movie than in a single music video. :P (reggaeton rappers don omar and tego calderon are in this!) this one wasn’t as good as the original, but still the same at the very core. kind of a continuation of F&F 4, and you know ppl are already excited about F&F 6, which may star another car movie star, jason statham. maybe an english heist for the next one? i think a lot of F&F and transporter fans minds will be blown if that really happens… ;)

JANE EYRE
4 out of 5 stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uOZQkKHOFE&feature=fvwrel
you can’t go wrong with a focus features film... ;)

now, before you roll your eyes and exclaim “BUT THIS WILL BE EXACTLY LIKE THE BOOK!!!” this time...2011 version of jane eyre gets a young/fresh cast with mia wasikowska (from tim burton’s alice in wonderland) as the titular jane and michael fassbender (from inglorious basterds and x-men: first class) as the prickly rochester. the movie starts with an upset jane running away from thornfield hall...ending up in the middle of the night, at the wet doorsteps of the rivers’ family home. st. john rivers and his sisters take jane in, and as they nurse her back to health, jane reminisces about her childhood, her schooldays at lowood school, then her job as governess to a young french girl named sophie valens, mr. rochester’s ward. she’s welcomed by the warm housekeeper, mrs. fairfax, whom jane mistakens as the owner of thornfield hall, but then meets the real owner when she scares rochester’s horse in the woods. from there, rochester is intrigued by jane’s plain beauty and spirit and wit, and eventually, falls in love with her. jane too falls for rochester, but there’s a secret that keeps them from getting married... (if you’ve read the book, you know what goes bump in the night has to do with rochester’s past!)

it’s beautifully done, and the repressed sexuality between fassbender and mia is actually quite good. fassbender is sexy and arrogant and such a man’s MAN, where mia personifies innocence, youth, and obedience. jane eyre is one of my favorite literary characters because she’s the perfect balance of someone who conscience of her own moral character as well as her love for a man whom she loves wholeheartedly. she stands by her virtues, and mia exemplifies just that in her character of jane. the scenery, the soundtrack, and of course, the acting is all great! how can you go wrong with fassbender and judi dench in a semi-period film?! :P

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
4 out of 5 stars

johann schmidt: “what makes you so special?”
steve rogers: “nothing. i’m just a kid from brooklyn.”

he may be just a kid, but he can sure pack a punch and wield that shield like a capt! FOR AMERICA!!! :P

steve rogers (hottie chris evans) may have started out as a beanpole kid from brooklyn, but his story continues as the first avenger during WWII, fighting ‘dem nazis esp. one badass krazy kraut named johann schmidt AKA the RED SKULL. (hugo weaving with a great german accent) after five unsuccessful attempts at enlisting in the u.s. army, steve rogers goes for one last shot after going to the howard stark expo with his friend bucky barnes. (sebastian stan) he is greeted by dr. erskine (stanley tucci), who decides that steve is the perfect candidate for his serum project. col. phillips (tommy lee jones- so awesomely casted in this role!) disagrees, but decides to move forth with the project. they take skinny-ass steve to a secret facility in brooklyn, and dr. erskine (with the help and technological support of howard stark- TONY’S DAD!) juice up steve turning him into...CAPTAIN AMERICA. let’s go kill some nazis!!! :P (the rest is pretty much just that...)

would i say that this was better than thor? in some ways, YES... i think a lot had to do with the fact that the villain here was just hellbent on destruction and well, insane. made hitler look like a pussy. THAT...and of course, loads of fun, lots of good action, and of course, lots of science and weapons development! it’s essentially stark technologies vs. johann schmidt AKA hydra technologies, and you start to see how the avengers are all inter-connected... (i.e. howard stark’s involvement, the asgard power that fuels schmidt’s work, etc.) you know it’s all leading up to the avengers movie next summer! gosh...esp. with the ending to this one. like we didn’t see the presence of S.H.I.E.L.D. coming from a mile away, right?! well, i can’t wait regardless... ;)

NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010)
2 out of 5 stars

“you’re in my world now, bitch.” – nancy

OK, next time i decided to give these remakes a chance, someone please slap me or something? jackie earle haley did the iconic role of crazy serial killer of the dream realm, freddy kreuger, some justice as “creeper of the year”, but rooney mara (whom i can’t seem to understand a word she is saying), kate cassidy (david cassidy’s daughter!), and kellan lutz (emmett cullen from twilight!) just don’t cut it... hehe, pardon the pun. :P

so, as you know by now, freddy kreuger is this badly burned boogie man with the razor hands, attacking these poor teenagers in their dreams... this time, the movie starts with a guy named dean (kellan lutz), who dozes off in a town diner, only to fall victim to crazy freddy in his sleep! all of his friends start to talk at his funeral, and as it turns out, nancy (rooney mara), dean, kris (katie cassidy), jesse (the guy from terminator: sarah connor chronicles), quentin (reed garrett from CSI: NY), are all having dreams about freddy killing them in their sleep. kris starts to wig out at school and even at home, and she even has her ex-BF jesse stay with her. BIG mistake because after freddy slices her up in the dream world, jesse looks like he killed her... little do the police know that freddy is killing all the kids of elm st. because of what their parents did to him. extra points for giving freddy a little character depth with the whole child molester angle. but then...lost points for the shitty ending. :/ (EYE-ROLLINGLY BAD)

since when did this become a law & order: SVU reunion? :P i feel like almost all of these kids were on that show as guest stars with the exception of kellan lutz b/c he’s too busy with the twilight movies. (maybe he’ll guest star when those are over...) jackie earle haley did a great job as kreuger, but i have to say... robert englund AKA the ORIGINAL freddy will always be the one that will scare me shitless. :P

SAW 7 (FINAL CHAPTER)
2 out of 5 stars

“GAME OVER.”

ya know... i wouldn't have expected anything less, esp. since it is a SAW movie afterall. you've got the gore, the flashbacks, and even CRAZIER traps for all of jigsaw's victims in his 7th movie about determining those who live or die. you know we're getting close to HALLOWEEN when you've got to watch a SAW movie! :P

apparently, this IS the LAST saw movie! i was a little bit sad to hear that, but maybe hollywood or lionsgate finally came to their senses with this whole tortureporn franchise. to recap: saw VI starts out with jill tuck (widow of jigsaw) placing the reverse beartrap head apparatus on det. hoffman, leaving him to well...die. det. hoffman somehow gets out of the apparatus, leaving him scarred because the thing basically ripped his mouth and cheek open. he continues to set traps as “jigsaw” for his usual victims, but this time, he’s got traps for the police! (b/c jill has turned herself in and is in their custody for protection) however, det. hoffman is a cunning bastard, and eventually finds a way inside the precinct. as you know by now, every saw movie starts with some sort of trap. wanna know what it is this time? you’ve got 2 dudes and a girl attached to a tug-o-war style saw thing, and if they don’t move it one way or another, the girl gets sliced up on top. oh, and they’re displayed in some department store window. comeon! it’s a SAW movie afterall! :P

a lot of the motive-related questions are asked, and it’s the game of bobby dagan AKA a self-help guru and jigsaw trap survivor, who gets the test of his LIFE. he has to go through a series of tests determining who lives and dies, or...his wife dies. now, the SAW franchise has had some CRAZY/really disgusting traps created, but i have to say madd props to the creatives on the jigsaw-style car crash, the human oven trap, the department store tug-o-war saw trap, the scream silencer on the publicist, and the noose and plank trap on bobby’s agent. i actually thought that the ending and a certain cameo from the first saw movie was very clever, and gave this crazy franchise the ending it deserved. too bad saw creator leigh whannel and first saw director james wan weren’t a part of it. :/

SCREAM 4
4 out of 5 stars

“you forgot the first rule of remakes. don’t fuck with the original.”
– sidney prescott

almost a decade later, wes craven and screenwriter of the original kevin williamson team up again to produce the fourth scream feat. a fresh/young cast with members of the original movie AKA sidney (neve campbell), dewey the sheriff (david arquette), and of course, gale the news reporter. (courtney cox-arquette or whateverhernameisnow) not bad for a decade-long hiatus! ;)

so, sidney comes home to westboro, and boy, it’s quite the homecoming... she’s now a best-selling author, and she’s come to westboro as her last stop on her book tour. she’s with her bitchy publicist rebecca, and she reunites with dewey and gale at the bookstore. as it turns out, sidney’s rental car had the cell phone and knife that was used in the killings of 2 westboro HS girls from the intro. everyone is shocked, but not really... sidney stays with her aunt and cousin jill (a brunette emma roberts), and the stabbings just keep on coming and the death toll in this quiet town keeps on rising... the killer(s) obviously want sidney’s life, but only after killing off everyone around her first. (just like the first movie!) there’s even a party AKA a stab-a-thon at some farm and an “after-party” at a friend’s house! :P

and..just like the first movie, there’s character equivalents i.e. the 2 movie geeks, the shitty BF, the BFFs (LOL, hayden p. from heroes!), the “heroine” jill, and of course, the clueless cops. scream was probably the pioneer movie to create the horror-comedy genre, and there are a lot of good moments that reference the original in this so-called remake. it’s just too bad that they (wes craven) forgot to incorporate the witty and originality of the first one in this reboot, thus losing points... however, it’s probably best to compare this one against all the other screams before it, so it wins that way. but the BEST thing to do is probably just watch the original this halloween season, if you want wits, blood, and of course, crazy boyfriend billy loomis! god, i miss him being that he’s the biatch that triggered all this... ;)

THE BUCKET LIST
3 out of 5 stars

aww... this movie made me cry so much... :’( i think this was marketed as a comedy, but it’s actually really dramatic sprinkled with some comedic moments. it’s light-hearted, but then it’s not... this is definitely a movie that makes you wonder: what is on YOUR bucket list? ;)

the characters of carter chambers (morgan freeman) and edward cole (jack nicholson) could not be any more different. carter is a history-loving, jeopardy enthusiast, mechanic family man with three loving kids and a caring wife, and edward is a hustling, kopi luwak (most expensive coffee in the world) drinkin’ businessman/CEO mogul who has no family but TONS of $. the commonality between these two men is the fact that they both have lung cancer... both men end up in the cancer ward of one of the hospitals edward cole helped build, and while they battle their cancer, they inadvertently become...well, friends. then, one day, edward picks up a scrunched up piece of paper...carter’s “bucket list”. of course, edward convinces carter to go on an adventure of crossing certain items off, and they travel to france to eat the finest caviar, wear silk suits in hong kong, ride a motorcycle along the great wall of china, skydive, get tats, visit the taj mahal in india, see the great pyramids of egypt, and even go on a safari in south africa! i mean...if you’re going to die, you must as well go out with a bang, right? ;)

as ridic as this plot sounds, it’s a good story about how two men bond over their conditions. they both know that the clock’s ticking away, and that it was time to get life by the balls while their cancer was in remission... the ending is very sad yet a good ending, and it reminded me a lot of my dad and the way he lived. i’m sure if he had millions in the bank, he would have been a total edward. R.I.P. dad... :’)

IRONCLAD
2 out of 5 stars

the only thing great about this movie is paul giamatti as the evil king john… he has one pivotal scene, and that pretty earned this movie the extra star. otherwise, another 1 star movie with really bloody fight sequences and the whole movie taking place in one castle. :/ (an important castle though in british history!)

for a medieval/historical movie, there sure was a lot of fighting, limb loss, and blooooood. the movie starts out with english barons forcing king john (giamatti) to reluctantly sign the magna carta… then, the following year, king john starts to eliminate the barons, one by one, so that he can rule with an iron fist again. one baron by the name of albany (the great brian cox) has a really big problem with an unjust king, thus he gathers up his “magnificent seven” for a balls-out rebellion. he even recruits a templar knight named thomas (james purfoy) to help after he and a couple of templar knights escape after their first encounter with john and his horde of danish mercs. (john has their abbott’s tongue cut out- eww…) so, templar knight + M7 + baron albany decide to take over rochester castle as part of their rebellion, and basically…ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE when john’s forces and the rebellion collide. everyone goes into EPIC BATTLE MODE with lots of swords, blood, limb loss, axes, and hot tar. like my cousin said…”it ain’t a medieval movie w/o the hot tar.” hahahahahaha, so random that he knows stuff like that. :P

i feel like this was something offered to russell crowe at some point, but when he declined, it just kept getting passed on and on and on and around and around and around to someone. finally, someone in british hollywood decided to take on the project, thus this happened. like i said: paul giamatti saves this movie, and his scene with brian cox is the best scene in the whole movie. such anger! such rage! and…he only filmed his part in 7 days. i really feel like they needed a better lead and a better female lead too. kate mara?! really?! :/

THE CONCERT
4 out of 5 stars

what an uplifting story re: an orchestra that reunites after the communist govt in russia shut them down... the characters, the storyline, and of course, the concert itself is AWESOME. BRAVO!!! :)

the plot: after 30 years, a disgraced orchestra conductor named andrei filipov now turned janitor of the bolshoi theater in moscow, intercepts a fax from the prestigious chatelet theater to play a concert for the french public. he shares this info. with his BF sasha, a former cellist now ambulance driver, and he suggests that they play instead of the real bolshoi orchestra. so, the both of them get their general manager back on board, track down former musicians, even somehow convince this russian gangster guy to fund their trip, under the condition that he get to play in this concert, of course! :P but MOST of all: andrei the conductor wants to perform with the renown yet young violinist anne-marie jaquet (y’all might recognize her as shoshanna from QT’s inglorious basterds), and there is an important reason why... they have all these ridic demands for the chatelet theater, and it’s just comedy from there... they demand to eat at some restaurant that doesn’t even exist anymore, demand a cruise on the seine, and stay at a 3 star hotel...which it was in 1979? LOL, it’s all ridic but the real issue is being able to pull off this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity AKA THE CONCERT. andrei picks tschaikovsky’s famous violin concerto, and he’s not even sure he can pull this off. with his orchestra running around paris like wild hogs, who knows? also, andrei and sasha promise to tell anne-marie the truth re: her biological parents... (the truth is sad but makes a great plot- it has to do with the KGB sending russian jews to siberian death camps)

if you like foreign flicks, this one is definitely for you. my gripe is that there weren’t enough stories/connections to tie all the musicians together, but you get the general idea. lots of random moments that don’t tie well either i.e. that wedding they all went to?, but maybe that was just a cultural lost in translation issue? IDK... i really liked the characters of sasha and ivan, especially ivan since he still thinks the communist party of france actually has some power? :P you definitely end up rooting for these underdogs, and the music they produce is just delightful. as we learn from this movie, we learn that harmony, both musically and spiritually, are needed to keep our spirits alive even after encountering tragedy... ;)

YOUR HIGHNESS
1 out of 5 stars

SO DUMB... SO STUPID... WHY?! these are just the very thoughts i had while watching this movie. sooooooo much disappointment from the very minds that birthed pineapple express! WTH?! this movie wasn’t funny at all...WTH?! :/

basically, this one’s about a slacker prince named thadeous (danny mcbride), who can’t even deliver a message to the dwarf king w/o boning his daughter, has to go on a quest with his “perfect” prince broham named fabious. (james franco) the evil leezar (justin theroux) kidnaps fabious’ bride-to-be named belladonna (zooey deschanel) after he saves her from an evil cyclops guarding her in some locked tower... leezar crashes the wedding, and thus, the brothers go on their quest! (along with their man-servants) they’re accompanied by a “knights of a round table” sort of group of warriors, but then hit road snags by little things called deception, betrayal, and of course, random magical monsters. along their journey, they encounter fearless female warrior isabel (natalie portman), and together, they decide to fight leezar and put an end to his evil ways one and for all. sounds promising, you say? FAR FROM IT. :/

was this supposed to be funny? because that would be a FAIL. was this suppose to be a parody of all things medieval/arthurian/even greek mythology? because i think that’s what they were going for...but then, DOUBLE FAIL. it’s such a mish-mash of randomness and stupidity, that i’m not even sure where this movie was even going? i was under the impression that this would be pineapple express gone medieval, but that would have been me dreaming... franco and mcbride fans: avoid or be disappointed... :/

THOR
3 out of 5 stars

“whoever wields this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of thor.” – odin

the comic book character of thor and the dynamics of his family transforms into some shakespearean platform. also, the ruler of asgard has never been this sexier... ;)

if you don’t already know the story of thor and asgard and odin’s realm... thor (chris helmsworth) is an arrogant and selfish prince, who thirsts for war and vengeance. he wields his great hammer and source of absolute power from his hammer named mjolnir, which his father odin (the great anthony hopkins) bestowed upon him. on the day of his coronation, his special day is interrupted by a couple of frost giants, trying to take back their source of power called the casket of ancient winters. turns out the frost giants are lead by their own king, laffey, and he and odin have been feuding for centuries... odin obviously won, and took away laffey’s source of power AKA the casket. thor is hellbent on taking on the evil frost giants, and rounds up his friends even loki (british actor tom hiddleston), his jealous and mischievous brother, to attack them in their home world. odin disapproves of thor’s selfish action, and banishes him...to well, EARTH. (where he’s found by physicist jane foster or natalie portman) thus, thor is suppose to learn a thing or two on this planet called earth, and until that happens, he can not possess the power of his trusted hammer.

not that great as iron man, but definitely better than green lantern and incredible hulk. kenneth branagh, expert on all things shakespeare, brings him own twist to the comic book legend of thor, and he definitely emphasizes the father-son relationship between odin and thor and even applies the SAME storyline as henry V to this movie. comic book or not, it’s a great drama, indeed. the plot is flimsy and sort of shallow, but the special effects, music, and dramatic effects aren’t half-bad... however, this one needed a GREAT villain b/c i thought loki was a big old pussy for a villain. srsly? we deserve better than that...loki was just creepy and...well, weird. :P

PAUL
4 out of 5 stars

graeme: “are you going to probe us?”

paul: “WHY does everyone always assume that? what am i doing? am i harvesting farts? how much can i learn from an ass?”

OMG this is a FUNNY FUNNY movie about alien encounters, and nick frost and simon pegg bring us some fresh relief to the sci-fi comedy genre... ;)


nick frost and simon pegg team up yet again as two british nerds: clive gollings, a science fiction/graphic novel writer and graeme willy, the illustrator. they arrive at the san diego comic-con, where they are in awe of EVERYTHING including meeting famous sci-fi authors to checking out nerdy girls in princess leia costumes and comic book characters... haha, they even bring their book with a 3-boobed alien lady!  they decide to end their comic-con trip with a tour of the american desert AKA UFO hotspots. they rent out a RV, and get their nerd on...on the road! but while they’re on the road, a car speeds up ahead of them and essentially crashes... turns out....it’s just PAUL, an alien that escaped from area 51. (voiced by seth rogen) at first, the guys are shocked to be in the presence of a REAL alien, but as it turns out, paul was just waiting for the right moment to head home. and...it turns out, paul is nothing but a crass, rude, friendly, party animal who likes to smoke weed and drink beers with the guys! of course, it’s not a full-on adventure without a chick in the backseat!  christian fundamentalist ruth buggs (kristen wiig) joins in on the adventure when clive and graeme “kidnap” her after she “accidentally” sees paul and faints... chased by govt officials AKA agent zoil (jason bateman), it’s a wild wild ride in the american desert! :P

the character of paul the alien is pretty original, but so is this entire storyline! it’s a fresh comedy about alien life forms and re: taking chances even when you’re not ready... it’s got a funny cast incld. bill hader, jason bateman, and jane lynch! (of all ppl...) there’s even a cameo by a very special lady who starred in alien-related films in the 80s... (don’t want to give it away!) another truly funny movie from the minds of simon pegg and nick frost! definitely give this one a shot...whether you’re a science geek or not. :P

THE DEBT
4 out of 5 stars

an interesting movie about mossad agents in the 1960s on a mission to retrieve a nazi doctor living in hiding. they’re hailed as national heros by the israeli govt, but are they? focus features delivers another great film about the truth vs. the “truth”. ;)

the year is 1966, and rachel singer (jessica chastain), david peretz (sam worthington), and stephan gold (marton csokas) come back home to israel receiving high honors after completing their mission from eastern germany. their mission: to capture and retrieve a former nazi doctor named dieter vogel AKA the surgeon of birkanau, a ruthless nazi officer who performed awful inhumane experiments during the holocaust. they were to bring him back to israel, so he could stand trial for his crimes... the movie actually begins in 1997, where rachel’s daughter sarah has written a book on her mother rachel (helen mirren) and father stephan (tom wilkinson)’s infamous mission, and rachel even reads an excerpt from the book at a celebratory dinner. as it turns out, rachel and the prisoner fought, the prisoner escaped, and rachel reached for the gun and shot the bastard as he was running away... but the looks exchanged between rachel and stephan at dinner prove otherwise? so, what really happened that night? i don’t want to give away the whole plot, but let’s just say that a love triangle + failed mission + a psychologically diabolical prisoner = THRILLER. ;)

the premise of this movie was really good, but for some odd reason, i felt like something was missing... maybe it was b/c of sam worthington’s lack of acting, but i felt like the characters needed some more substance? i.e. what made them join mossad? what made them accept this mission besides the obvious? i thought the ending was BRILLIANT, and thought the storyline was pretty well developed... the color filtering is done really well, and you feel like it's really 1966 east berlin.  it’s definitely a great spy thriller with lots of suspenseful moments esp. the train station vogel extraction scene! this one really gets your heart racing and your brain wondering what’ll happen next. james bond fans will hate, but realists will love... ;)

RIO
4 out of 5 stars

“stop shaking him! he’s not a maraca!” – rafael re: his toucan babies shaking a toucan bird egg

if you like tropical birds, brazil, samba, and all around cuteness, this movie is for you! i mean, with songs like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Sl7cLu31rE you can’t help but smile throughout this one... ;)

rio is all about a bird’s tale...tyler “blu” gunderson’s tale. :P blu is the last of his species, and while his life has always been about being linda’s pet bird and companion in moose creek (not rio), minnesota, he feels right at home when linda (voiced by leslie mann) and blu (voiced by jesse eisenberg) travel to exotic rio de janeiro! as it turns out, blu is the last of his species, and dr. tuvio (voiced by rodrigo santoro) wants blu to mate with another blue macaw named jewel. (voiced by anne hathaway) blu and jewel don’t exactly get along...and they’re birdnapped by poachers, assisted by their own evil bird named nigel. blu and jewel escape, but they end up lost in the middle of the brazillian jungle. they’re soon attacked by lil’ toucan babies, but it turns out they’re just the offspring of a very friendly toucan named rafael. (voiced by george lopez) rafael informs them of the awesome parades of carnival, and even offers to help them find luis (tracy morgan), who can help get rid of their chain. (the poachers put a chain on their claws so they wouldn’t fly away...HAH!) backed by will.i.am and jamie foxx in bird form...ain’t nothin’ stoppin’ these birds from being free. ;)

lots of cute moments with lots of color and great animation! even a memorable soundtrack! it doesn’t have the pixar finesse, but it’s still a great movie for both kids and adults. lots of color, lots of brazillian flavor, and of course, lots of rhythm. i mean, look at this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb0P038r6ww&feature=related if that doesn’t get your tail feather shakin’? papi, we’ve got a problem... :P

TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT
1 out of 5 stars

GRR... this was sooooo disappointing!!! i just don’t understand why they didn’t just make a “that 70’s show” movie instead. such a waste... topher grace, you not funny anymore... :/

take me home tonight marketed itself as an 80s “coming of age” comedy, but it ends up being...well, stupid and LAME. if you’ve seen “i love you, beth cooper”, skip this one b/c it’s almost the exact same plot. you have your lovestruck loser, matt franklin (topher grace), who has a brainy twin sister named wendy (anna faris) and a dumbass BFF named barry (comedian dan fogler from balls of fury), who’s a horny car salesman. he’s graduated from M.I.T., but since he’s still trying to figure stuff out, he’s working at a suncoast video store at the mall. one day, while he’s working at suncoast, he spots his HS crush, tori frederking (teresa palmer i.e. becky from the sorcerer's apprentice) come into the store! he freaks, but somehow engages in conversation with her, even lying about his job at goldman sachs... from there, he, wendy, barry go to wendy’s BF’s labor day weekend party, where the night gets very eventful... :P (i.e. barry and matt steal a mercedes from barry’s dealership, do some coke b/c hey! it’s the 80s!, barry ends up in a “threesome”, and matt ends up sleeping with tori!)

if this was as crazy and fun as katy perry’s music video “last friday night”, i would have given it some credit... but it’s not and it’s also kind of serious for a comedy. WTF?! only great thing is the character of barry who provides some good comic relief and the awesome 80s soundtrack... other than that, pass on this... :/

THE CONSPIRATOR
4 out of 5 stars

“one bullet may have killed our president, but not one man...”
– the prosecutor

this was the debut film from the american film company (check out their website @: http://www.theamericanfilmcompany.com/), and WOW! i was thoroughly impressed with the outcome. a lot of big stars were attached to this project, and i think it may have had something to do with the fact that robert redford was at the helm as director. VERY well done, and there’s a lot of correlations between 9/11 and terrorist trials and the lincoln assassination... ;)

the year is 1865, and the union is celebrating their victory over the south in washington d.c. 3 union soldiers including civil war hero and attorney by trade, frederick aiken (james mcavoy), attend a party with the secretary of war (kevin kline) and other cabinet members. they’re told that president lincoln has decided to go to the theater with the first lady, so he will not be attending the party... well, as many of us know, john wilkes booth shoots the president, and he dies across the street from the theater. pretty soon, the u.s. government uncovers a conspiracy to kill the president, the vice president andrew johnson, and the secretary of state as well as arrest all involved parties including a woman named mary surratt (robin wright sans makeup). mary claims she is innocent and knew nothing of the assassination, and pleads to her senator, reverdy johnson (tom wilkinson) for proper representation. MD sen. johnson asks frederick aiken to do just that, and he reluctantly takes on the case because he thinks she’s guilty... however, frederick does his best to defend mary, but it’s kind of hard to prove someone’s innocence when the jury is comprised of ALL union generals + a union JAG prosecutor. pretty soon, it’s obvious that mary’s trial is prejudiced from the very get-go and that mary is just bait to get john surratt, her son and booth’s right hand man, to turn himself in... ;)

the american film company states that they try and make accurate films re: our country’s history, and they prove just that with this movie. the costumes, the scenery, the dialogue, the characters are all accurate representations of what might have happened back then. the acting is superb esp. mcavoy, whose character’s belief in the u.s. justice system is questioned after how the government handles mary’s case. but it’s interesting to see how we, as a country, want “somebody” to take responsibility after a devastating event such as an assassination of a president or even an attack on U.S. soil. someone’s head should roll for crimes committed, but is retaliation really the answer? what about disregarding someone’s civil liberties? i guess one could argue that if you’re involved in a plot to kill the president, you probably don’t have any... but then again, is this what president lincoln would have wanted? interesting movie that provokes some political thinking... and, you begin to see that whether it’s 1865 or 1965 or 2005, some things never change... ;)

KILL THE IRISHMAN
2 out of 5 stars

40+ car bombs in one movie and what? :P

based on the true story of a man named danny greene from a little city called cleveland, OH... danny greene (ray stevenson) is a born and bred irish american grain barge worker, and his anger for unfair union wages and unsafe work conditions lead him to run against the present president of his union. the present president threatens him and even sics his polak bodyguard on him, and danny ends up beating the shit/killing the guy... danny greene soon becomes president, making changes to the grain barge union as well as joining the italian mob by letting them fence the expensive shipments coming in from godnoswhere. because leadership positions lead to working for the mob, right? only in 1970s cleveland when the italian mafia ran the city! danny greene ends up moving up the mafia capo ladder, including befriending one of the mafia bosses john nardi (vincent d’onofrio), working for mafia-affiliated loan shark/restaurant owner shondor birns (christopher walken- typical self), and even pissing off the very people he worked for because he refuses to pay back a “loan” for his irish pub. tsk tsk... ;)

it’s amazing how one guy had up to 8 ATTEMPTS on his life! ultimately, the mafia had to call in a “specialist” all the way from los angeles to finally get rid of this “mick”. it’s almost like the plot of smokin’ aces, but i guess this is more realistic? it may be realistic but BORING... you gotta give this movie points for historical “accuracies” i.e. the clothing, the facial hair, the cars, even the housing... but what it’s got in costume and props, it lacks in plot... ehh. :/

THE PERFECT HOST
3 out of 5 stars

what a strange, strange movie... but david hyde pierce EXCELS as the perfect host AKA warwick wilson. ;)

you would think that this is a burglary gone wrong, but it’s a little bit more than that... john taylor (clayne crawford) robs a bank in downtown LA out of $300K, and with a bleeding foot, he tries to find a house to hid out in, and comes across the home of...warwick wilson. (david hyde pierce) john finds a postcard from sydney from a woman named julia, and cons his way into warwick’s home, stating to him that he’s lost his luggage at the airport + got mugged just now... warwick is hesitant about letting a complete stranger into his home, but then feels compelled towards helping this poor guy out. turns out that warwick is planning on hosting a dinner party, as he’s got a duck roasting in the oven, wine bottles out, and even offers john to stay for dinner. john accepts....and boy, WHAT A MISTAKE. john’s plan to rob/kill warwick goes awry when john’s wine is drugged. he wakes up to warwick having a dinner party by HIMSELF, talking to HIMSELF, dancing by HIMSELF, even playing chess by HIMSELF. but in warwick’s mind, he’s got all his guests and is throwing a smashing party... john quickly realizes that warwick is PSYCHO, but when warwick shows him his scrapbook of his past murder victims...john realizes he may not survive the night... :O

i guess this is what they call a black comedy, and the results are alright... i wish they didn’t do the secondary storyline of why john robbed the bank and his realization that he was set up because it took the focus off warwick, who made this movie worthwhile. (otherwise, it’s just another bank robbery gone wrong sort of deal) in fact, it would have been better if we were shown why warwick suffered from his mental condition... THAT would have quite the plot, def... still, it’s not everyday you see DHP doing the conga line with a unconscious person or singing/dancing to 70s disco on top of his dinner table... ;)

ARTHUR
3 out of 5 stars

“wash your winkie...thoroughly.” – hobson

i actually thought this wasn’t half bad! russell brand plays the role of annoying british comedian very well, helen mirren is a spitfire sarcastic/witty british nanny who puts up with all of arthur’s antics, and i even liked arthur’s love interest naomi! it’s a cute rom com about a rich boy who falls in love with a poor girl... ;)

if you haven’t seen the 1981 original feat. dudley moore and liza minnelli, then read further... (although this plot is a little different from the original) filthy rich playboy arthur bach (russell brand as his alchy self) and his butler bitterman (luis guzman) dress up as batman and robin, and decide to crash arthur’s mother’s fundraiser, but bitterman loses control of their vehicle (the batmobile), and they end up crashing into the wall street bull! arthur ends up getting arrested yet again, and his mother, fed up with arthur’s craziness, gives him an ultimatum: either marry susan johnson (jennifer gardner), a successful businesswoman OR lose his inheritance. (= a cool $950 mill) arthur doesn’t want to lose the $, so he reluctantly decides to go with this sham marriage... then, there’s a wrench thrown into arthur’s plan because he runs into a cute girl named naomi, who is giving an illegal tour in grand central station, and he instantly falls in love with her... he loves her spontaneity and free spirit and creativity, and he realizes he’s found his “toad”. (there’s a ref. to the frog and toad story on one of their dates...so cute!) susan, his mother, and even hobson try and persuade him to drop this newfound love interest, but arthur would rather fall in love. ;)

so, the character of hobson and helen mirren’s portrayal of arthur’s adult nanny is just...BRILLIANT. brand is annoying and a total dumbass, but helen mirren steals the show as hobson! she’s hilarious and witty and sarcastic, and it broke my heart to see hobson “leave” arthur’s side... :’( hobson loves arthur more than his own mother, and arthur loves her just as much. it’s a sweet relationship, and it’s totally worth watching brand and mirren paired up together... the hobson and arthur relationship > arthur and naomi. if you’re ever in the mood for a light/fluffy chick flick, you’ll see why. ;)