BORAT
5 out of 5 stars

azamat: what’s in california?

borat: pearl harbor is there. so is texas.


continuing on with texas-themed movies… OK, so this isn’t a “true” movie about the great state of texas, but sacha baron cohen sure makes fun of the conservative pro-war, religious fanatic, tea-bagging types dressed as kazakhstani television report borat sadiyev! :P


if you’ve never seen da ali g show, you’ve probably never heard of borat or bruno. (then again, if you haven’t seen da ali g show, maybe you should because it is one of the funniest shows on TV…) if you have, you’ll know that this movie is about borat, our beloved kazak, who decides to do some investigative journalist work in…AMERICA! he travels with his fat-ass of a TV producer azamat to NYC, DC, TX, the dirrrty south, and finally CA to marry the beautiful pamela anderson. along the way, borat meets all sorts of “interesting” people including a racist rodeo owner, an old jewish couple operating a bed & breakfast, a “gypsy” at a yard sale, pam anderson (herself), some thugs, drunk frat boys on a RV, and my favorite: some southern hospitality in the form of alabama’s social elite. borat gives us a hilarious look at what makes up america, and you won’t stop laughing til the end!


sacha baron cohen is a comedic genius, and it shows in his attempt to get a “realistic” look at america. (through the very eyes of a foreigner, of course!) i know i shouldn’t be laughing at the anti-semitism in this movie, but i can’t help myself! when borat and azamat are freakin’ out because they realize they’re staying at a jewish bed & breakfast… OMG, it is comedy gold. ;)

KILL BILL VOL. 2
5 out of 5 stars

we did japanese-themed movies last week, so this week, I’m reviewing texas-themed ones in honor of my southwest vacation… san antonio, here i come!



so… coming off from where we left off in vol. 1… remember: when they say that revenge is a dish best served cold, that phrase serves a whole nutha purpose in quentin tarantino’s kill bill vol. 1 & 2, where the bride (a samurai-sword wielding uma thurman) goes after the “cunts” and “bastards” that put her in a coma for five years. we remember that the bride was an assassin working for a man named bill, and we also learn that she was part of a team of assassins known as the deadly viper squad. she’s eliminated vernita and oren in vol. 1, so the three that are left are the focus in vol. 2. they are budd (a scrubby kicker hat wearin’ michael madsen), one-eyed elle driver (bitchin’ daryl hannah), and finally… BILL. (the late david carradine) we finally learn why bill was so angry with the bride, their true relationship, and of course, what happens to those on the bride’s hit list…


best scenes include: the black mamba poisoning (what a way to die, man…), the flashback scene of the bride learning under the tutelage of pai mei (his hair & mustache always makes me giggle), elle and the bride fight sequence, and the texas funeral. (because being buried underground ALIVE is never fun- only in a QT movie, it is!) also, i think the best part in any QT movie is the dialogue! sooooo many memorable lines and quotable ones too. like these:


budd: “wakey, wakey. eggs and bakey.”


budd: “i’m a bouncer in a titty bar, bill. all she’s got to do is come down to the club, start some shit, and we’ll be in a fight.”


bill: “quite simply, the deadliest blow in all of martial arts. he hits you with his fingertips at five different pressure points on your body. And then he lets you walk away. but after you've taken five steps, your heart explodes inside your body, and you fall to the floor, dead. (re: the five finger exploding heart technique)


;)

PONYO
4 out of 5 stars

PONYO LOVES SOSUKE! PONYO LOVES SOSUKE!



ending this week of japanese themed movies with an ultra-CUTE japanese anime flick about a little five year old boy named sosuke who befriends a goldfish named ponyo! (i think even if you didn’t like animation, this one is still worth watching…)


so… this is a tale about a little goldfish named ponyo who desperately wants to be a human, but her since wizard father won’t let her… she decides to do it anyway! (with the help of some magic) unfortunately, the ocean and earth are left “unbalanced”, and creates weather problems (i.e. tsunami) for the humans. sosuske and his mother take ponyo in, and show her how to live in the human world. (best scene is when sosuke’s mother makes them ramen) sosuke is a curious little boy, and his love for his new pet ponyo is unconditional. he truly loves her and is willing to take care of her, so if only ponyo’s father understood that…


what i like best about this is that hiyao miyazaki is an artist himself, and created the scenes in ponyo using watercolor and pastels. (so it appeals to the artist side of me) the scenes are very well illustrated, and i’m highly impressed with the colors used in certain scenes. (i.e. the magical potions, sosuke’s home, sosuke and ponyo’s journey in the “unbalanced” world) another favorite quality is the voice talent. cate blanchett’s ethereal voice as the goddess of the sea is so pure and beautiful (PERFECT casting in this case), liam neeson as ponyo’s stern father, and the lil’ kid who voiced ponyo is sooooo adorable! (LOL reminds me of ike’s voice on south park) the script, itself, is pretty simple since i think this was geared towards kids, however the message of humans polluting the earth and damaging the oceans is heard crystal clear… (like the ocean blue) GREAT movie and like i said…SUPER CUTE!


well, i just have one more thing to say: HAM!!! ;) (you’ll understand after you’ve seen it…)

THE FAST & THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT
3 out of 5 stars


continuing on with japanese-themed movies… we go straight to the muthaland! (well, not MY muthaland…) konichiwa, car junkies! :P (this one’s for you…)



lucas black (from friday night lights) stars in this tricked-out car action flick as troublemaker sean, who becomes “that” american wrapped up with the japanese underworld of drag racing and the art of drifting. it might have even been better if he was paul walker’s lil’ bro or something, since to me, that would have made more sense of continuing on with the F & F franchise… nay, he’s just some random HS kid who ends up living with his army dad in tokyo to avoid a jail sentence. (i know, LAME…) what ISN’T though are the tricked-out hondas and the drifting scenes because THAT is the real star of this show! plus, throw in some skanky asian hooker models and the yakuza (japanese mafia) and you got yourself a movie! of course, there needs to be a plot, so sean has to battle it out on a japanese mountain road with D.K. (aka drift king), so he could win the respect of his peers in the car world… who wins, you ask? maybe you need to see the first two fast & furious movies… :P


i have to give justin lin some credit because i did like this… good pace, GREAT use of music/GREAT soundtrack featuring teriyaki boyz (gotta love me some j-rap), 5, 6, 7, 8’s, far east movement, and overall good storyline. obviously, if you’re not a car junkie, you’ll hate it… however, if you do like cars and some good action sequences, you’ll like it A LOT. LOL i remember like yesterday when i saw this in theaters with my cousin and his friends, and the theater was PACKED with asian car enthusiasts. (mostly korean and viet- hey! it was in annandale!) I also remember seeing fast & furious in theaters, and it ended up being mostly latino but still some asian representation… (i feel like that one was more fun though- stay tuned for that review soon! :P)


my favorite part is actually the very end, where a certain special person makes a great cameo… ;) (i won’t say more because i think you’d like it too…)

PROM NIGHT
1 out of 5 stars

the title for this movie should be re-titled as “when pedophile teachers go psycho” because that’s essentially what this movie is all about... :/



we have beautiful high school senior donna (brittany snow) who happens to be a victim of a violent crime three years ago and happens to be going to her senior prom... little does she know that her family’s killer has escaped from prison, and is now on his way to... it’s a horror movie, you get the picture! ;) idris elba is the detective chasing the psycho killer on the loose and trying to protect poor donna from getting killed. too bad this psycho thinks that he’s got to kill all her friends, and it’s just a bloody mess... (worst scene is when one of her friends is trapped with the crazy muthafucker in some sub-level construction site conveniently below the hotel... puh-lease!)


the actual prom also gets a big eye-roll because there is no high school budget that could support this hollywood set of a prom. (an even bigger eye-roll because they try and justify that the queen bitch of their HS had her dad write a $100K check to their school—yeah...right...) also LOVE the fact that they can all dance really REALLY well... LOL like the cast of step up good... ahh, and lest not forget the 30 year old high school “seniors”... (donna’s bf seriously is a super-duper senior- is that grey hair i see? EWW...) ANYWAY... the plot and acting are tremendously watered down just like a HS prom punch... (in other words: just say NO to this one)


with HS committees gearing up and planning their special night, this is definitely one of those movies i’d ONLY ecommend as a late late night selection with pizza and popcorn after the after-party... just be prepared to laugh at the most ridic prom night yet! :P

KILL BILL VOL. 1
5 out of 5 stars

in honor of the cherry blossom festival coming to an end… i shall review japanese-themed movies this week! ;) (starting with one of my all-time QT fave)



when they say that revenge is a dish best served cold, that phrase serves a whole nutha purpose in quentin tarantino’s kill bill vol. 1 & 2, where the bride (a samurai-sword wielding uma thurman) goes after the “cunts” and “bastards” that put her in a coma for five years. we learn that the bride was an assassin working for a man named bill, and we also learn that she was part of a team of assassins known as the deadly viper squad. and…the other members are oren iishi (geisha-esque lucy liu), vernita green (sassy “i should have been mutha-fuckin’ black mamba” vivica a. fox), bill’s lil’ bro budd (kicker hat wearin’ michael madsen), and one-eyed elle driver. (bitchin’ darryl hannah) vol. 1 only focuses on two of the bitches on the bride’s hit list, and the fight sequences are AWESOME!


best scenes include: the anime sequence depicting oren iishi’s life (very clever, QT… very clever…); the fight scene with oren’s kato mask wearing bodyguards, fight scene with psychotic gogo and her ball-chain-slice weapon of choice, final fight scene with oren in a lovely japanese winter garden, and oh yeah! the pussy wagon! (sans lady gaga & beyonce but still LOVE it…) I think my favorite character is samurai-sword maker hanzo (played by sonny chiba), who reluctantly makes the bride a new hanzo sword. (because she’s got “vermin to kill”…) also, i think the best part in any QT movie is the dialogue! sooooo many memorable lines and quotable ones too. like these:


oren: “you might not be able to fight like a samurai, but you can at least die like a samurai.”


elle driver: “i might never have liked you. point of fact, i despise you. but that doesn’t suggest i don’t respect you. dying in our sleep is a luxury our kind is rarely afforded. my gift to you.”


hattori hanzo: “for those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior’s only concern. suppress all human emotion and compassion. kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be lord god, or buddha himself. this truth lies at the heart of the art of combat.”


not to mention the MUSIC/SOUNDTRACK is right on point! (love the 5,6,7,8’s)


stay tuned for my review of kill bill vol. 2 next monday! (perfect timing since I’ll be going on my TX vacation then too…)

LUTHER
2 out of 5 stars

“i cannot and i will not recant. here i stand!” – martin luther



and…i promise that this will be the last religiously themed movie i review in a while… ;) (the subject matter is quite interesting, but this was obviously done/produced in the style of a TV movie… it almost felt like I was in a HS history class again!)


the history of catholicism has come a LONG way, but it seems like some things still remain the same. the catholic church currently is dealing with the pedophile priests who can’t seem to keep their vows of celibacy nor their hands to themselves, but back in luther’s time, the church was dealing with a different problem: materialism. relics and indulgences became an obsession with the catholic church, and princes/clergymen alike wanted to acquire, acquire, acquire… it’s great stuff that’ll someday be displayed in a vitrine in the future, but does it really absolve sin? that’s what martin luther’s main gripe with the church was…


martin luther is played by joseph fiennes (with a ridiculous monk haircut), and he nails his famous 95 theses to the doors of a church, criticizing the sale of indulgences, the obsession with holy relics, and bringing the corruption within the catholic church to light. little does he know that the corruption actually goes all the way to the pope himself… on the other side of the spectrum, john tetzel (alfred molina in a minor yet significant role) is the cause for luther to write his grievances with the church. we learn that it’s not so much that he’s angry with church doctrine, but he’s angry with the way the church is using church doctrine for their own benefit. (i.e. fundraising for the building of st. peter’s basilica) what’s actually interesting is how prince frederick of saxony protects luther because he knows luther is right… (sir peter usinov shines as frederick the wise)


I have to say…one of my favorite scenes was when the v.1 printing press was printing luther’s books plus later on…the bible in german! (GASP! hey, it was a big deal back then!) god, i’m such a history nerd… ;)

THERE WILL BE BLOOD
5 out of 5 stars

continuing on with the “religious” theme this week in movie review land… (i decided to review this flick because a) it’s AWESOME b) ambition vs. faith c) daniel day lewis, duh!)



oil mongers have got NOTHING on daniel plainview. even sarah palin. daniel is a tremendously ambitious, selfish, money-driven asshole who makes his riches on the oil boom in cali back in the early 1900s. he even has a baby boy to tote around as his “son” and uses him as a sales mechanism to charm the locals into selling their land to him. he begins to make empty promises to the local townsfolk about building schools/churches/etc., but all in all, he just cares about the oil that’ll make him rich! he meets his match when eli sunday, a preacher, decides he’s against selling his family’s land to daniel, and that’s when daniel tries to ruin eli… (he thinks eli’s a fraud and god is a superstition) the plot isn’t that twisted or anything because essentially, it becomes a mind game between two people who are stubborn in their own ideals. plus, it’s great to see a movie that shows how greed/$ truly changes an individual like so…


what i like most about this movie is of course the screenplay. it’s brilliantly written and just the acting is incredible. daniel day lewis is known for immersing himself in these characters, and paul dano also does the same. the voice, the mannerisms, all of it is on point with the character(s) they play, and it gives the movie even more depth since it’s about this man who has this insatiable thirst for money and power. the cinematography is great too, and it’s great storytelling… the best parts are when eli and daniel try to embarrass/humiliate one another to the max, the politics behind oil mongering, and…


of course, my favorite moment and probably the most famous line from this movie:


daniel plainview: drainage! drainage, eli, you boy. drained dry. I’m so sorry. here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. there it is. that’s a straw, you see? you watching? and my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake… i… drink… your… milkshake! I drink it up!!!


;)

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
3 out of 5 stars

“forgive them, father. they know not what they do.” – jesus



now… when mel gibson isn’t a raging alcoholic or making anti-semitic comments to the press, he’s actually making decent movies. all christians/catholics/the like know the biblical story of how jesus got crucified… (and if you don’t, read this book called the bible) jesus is considered a heretic to the jewish faith, and they bring him to the romans to be judged/punished. pontius pilate is the roman in charge, and reluctantly, he condemns jesus to the cross. the “punishment” is GORY and quite frankly, no HUMAN BEING should go through that EVER! we’re talking about 30 lashings from bamboo sticks on the back, 30 lashings from cat-o-nine tails on the back, 30 more lashings with said weapon on the front… not to mention, the crown of thorns, jesus getting spit upon, the beatings, the black eye, AND last but not least, carrying the fucking cross, itself… did i mention that he’s also in heavy chains? like complete WTF… all that because he proclaimed that he’s the messiah? jesus’s punishment shames the torture that went on in guantanamo bay!


the whole movie is essentially 2 hours of this, but there’s some good moments where jesus flashes back to the life he lived in nazareth/jerusalem. it sort of offsets the violence and eye-flinching nature of watching this flick, plus it’s good storytelling. (my favorite scene is of course the last supper…) the downside of this is the personification of satan. (mel, why did you have to go there?) to me, the guy who was playing satan looked like silas from the da vinci code… LOL :P honestly… if you’re not going to personify G.O.D., then don’t personify satan.


don’t judge me… some ppl watch the ten commandments with charleton heston every easter, but i happen to like/watch the passion of the christ as my easter movie of choice. like i said, don’t judge! ;)

LAND OF THE LOST
2 out of 5 stars

a lot of WTF moments in this one because of the absurdity in this one, but it had some funny moments too… i would say this is a FAIL on will ferrell’s part as loser scientist rick marshall, but danny mcbride shines through as a funny sidekick/supporting character. (and lest not forget the monkey person chaka!)



so, will ferrell is disgraced scientist/paleontologist rick marshall who travels to the “land of the lost” with his colleague holly and random store owner will. they travel to some weird dimension where there are monkey people, alien/lizard creatures, dinosaurs (including grumpy the t-rex), giant insects, and even giant crabs! (LOL, that’s my favorite scene…) this world is BIZARRE with a capital B, but rick, holly, and will try and trudge through it so they can make it back home to their proper universe. in order to do so, they need some device that can open up portals and somehow it’s hooked up with an ipod that plays a chorus line show tunes, and… OK, i think i’m done explaining the plot… (there really isn’t one)


i think what actually makes this movie funny is danny mcbride’s hilarious lines, and his interactions with chaka, the monkey person. the best scene in the movie is when chaka, will and rick get high off of these alien pineapples, and then almost get attacked by a giant crab. unfortunately for the crab, it falls into a hole of steaming hot water, and boom… CRAB DINNER for the 3 amigos! :P it’s that scene and when will and rick sing cher’s believe with a portal gate that makes their voices sound like autotune. (cher would have been proud her song was featured in this… LOL)


just watch it if you’re in the mood for a really stupid comedy. i guarantee you’ll lose brain cells with this one… :P

COCO BEFORE CHANEL
4 out of 5 stars

she wasn’t frivolous. she wasn’t snobby. in fact, she was quite plain but elegant at the same time. and before she was queen of the parisian haute-couture, she was just coco. it’s so great to see a biopic that truly does a great job of portraying one of the most iconic women of the 20th century…. ;)



i’m a big fan of biopics, and this one really captured my eye because coco chanel is just a fabulous designer! (although i do like her perfumes more…) i often feel like the genre of biopic can either be done really well or quite horribly, and that depends on the person/subject at hand. (and also how their story is told… a great example: ray with jamie foxx. i cry everytime i see it… which explains why i own it!) anyway… this movie isn’t as great as ray, but it is quite well done. we start off with young coco at the orphanage where nuns take her in along with her sister adrienne, when her father couldn’t raise her anymore. (kind of like daycare—but not because the parent doesn’t come back) it’s interesting to see that the orphanage and the nuns’ garments was an inspiration for coco chanel’s original designs… then, we see her as a struggling cabaret singer, where she meets etienne balzan, a rich yet older gentleman who ends up putting her up at his chateau in a town near paris. when her sister runs off with a baron, she too runs to etienne’s chateau, then later meets/falls in love with the handsome and charming arthur “boy” capel. (played by alessandro nivola who is HOT, even with his ‘tache. and OMG his french is FLAWLESS!!!)


boy is the one who puts up the money for her to finance her first hat boutique, actually… now that i think of it, he was quite progressive because it was uncommon that women were considered entrepreneurs in those days. (and he helped her achieve that) i think the best part of this movie is how fearless/fierce coco chanel was portrayed. audrey tatou aka amelie plays this refined, elegant, beautiful woman, who had a vision of revolutionizing fashion, and the results are FABULOUS! highly recommend to those who are fashionistas because you see a lot of her visions coming to life thread by thread… best scenes are the parties at the chateau (esp. when the men are throwing darts at a cousin’s painted portrait—WTF!), boy and coco’s seaside adventure, coco working on her designs with a lit cigarette in her mouth. (such a signature look for her…LOVED it)


so, i read on IMDB that there is another coco chanel movie coming out soon, but the focus is on her love affair with igor stravinsky. the norwegians will take a stab at this, and i’m highly curious about what the outcome will be! after this one, I. CANT. WAIT. :)