THE STEPFATHER
1 out of 5 stars

this one gets categorized in the “come on, hollywood! WTF is this?” pile of movies because it just doesn’t do anything for us... so, there’s this guy who creepily inserts himself in divorced/widowed families, and then kills them? why...? soooo many questions! none of them answered... :(



i feel like this is one of those movies where the trailer can basically tell you what it’s about. michael aka dan humphrey from gossip girl (who plays the EXACT SAME CHARACTER) finds out that his mom (sela ward) is dating a guy named david harris. (aka dr. mcnamara from nip/tuck) at first, he’s OK with it thinking the guy is cool, but david starts to do some weird shit and starts acting really weird around the family... it also doesn’t help david’s case that michael’s real father and aunt are suspicious because david only pays in cash, demands his pay be in cash, has no education history, etc. etc.... plus, he doesn’t like to have his picture taken... and, oh yeah... he has these weird locked cabinets in the basement where he likes to keep his stuff “secure.” all in all, the guy is sketchy with a capital S. (this made me realize... NOTE TO SELF: ALWAYS do a background check on sketchy ppl before letting them into your family...even if they're handsome. :P)


i wasn’t exactly sure where they were going with this: was it suppose to be scary? didn’t do that... was it suppose to be psychologically thrilling? didn’t do that either... thus, my point exactly. it would have helped if we knew the why behind these killings because this psychopath certainly had problems worth exploring on the cinematic screen. or, was it suppose to be sort of a slasher movie? see! this left me all confused... anyway, i had truly hoped that terry o’quinn AKA john locke from LOST (the original stepfather from the 1987 version) agreed to do a cameo in this one... i know there were rumors of it, but he backed out... at least, that in itself would have earned itself an extra star! ;)

RATATOUILLE
5 out of 5 stars

anton ego: amusing title, anyone can cook! what’s even more amusing is that gusteau actually seems to believe it. i, on the other hand take cooking seriously. and, no, I don’t think anyone can do it.



this is one of my utmost FAVORITES among pixar animation. i just LOVE this one because it combines food, creativity, and a really great storyline that takes place in one of my favorite cities, paris! ;)


remy is just a rat. a rat that can COOK. the only problem is that rats just aren’t exactly cut out to be star chefs. can you imagine the thought of a rat cooking you food? it’s just ridiculous! however, pixar decides to explore the “what if…” so, after a crazy rain storm/escape from the old lady with a shotgun/getting separated from his clan, remy ends up in the city of lights, where he realizes he had been living under paris his entire life. he even finds his way to gusteau’s, the once famous french restaurant in all of paris for its renown head chef. he gets caught cooking up a delicious soup in the kitchen, and then he decides to befriend the garbage boy linguini to pursue his dreams of becoming a celebrated chef. little does he know that skinner the napoleon complex sous-chef now head chef of gusteau’s is out to uncover the “truth” to linguini’s newfound culinary talents…


i just love how each character is drawn and portrayed so differently from one another. my favorite is anton ego whom i quoted because he is such an awesome character as the gothic, pessimistic, corpse-like food critic who doesn’t just judge cooking techniques, but has the power to destroy restaurant reputations. (plus voiced by the powerful voice of the great peter o’toole) he is just APPALLED when he finds out that gusteau’s is popular again, and determines that he’ll be the final word on that. what a character… my other favorite is actually the rat clan, where collectively they just bring havoc to wherever they go…from escaping the old lady’s attic in the very beginning of the film to helping out remy in the kitchen. love those little critters…


best of all, it is the dialogue/script that just amazes me. my favorite line is this:


gusteau: you must be imaginative, strong-hearted. you must try things that may not work, and you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. your only limit is your soul. what i say is true- anyone can cook… but only the fearless can be great.


:)

MARIE ANTOINETTE
5 out of 5 stars

emperor joseph: is your hair quite tall enough today? maybe you can keep a pet in there or something. (to his sister marie antoinette’s hair-do)



i LOVE marie antoinette. i don’t care what anyone thinks… she’s so awesome! (her style, her personality, her life…even the fact that she got beheaded by the guillotine) i’ve even visited the beautiful versailles and even the prison conciergerie where she was kept in paris by the seine. but i especially like the fact that this film shows an artistic view of such a historical figure, rather than something that might get broadcasted on masterpiece theater late one sunday night! ;)


there isn’t much of a plot with this since it is a biopic of one of the most infamous queens of france, but it certainly shows us a lifestyle of how one lived at versailles. the food, the sweets, the gambling, the 80s soundtrack, the partying, the dresses, the décor, the shoes (LOVE how haute-couture shoe designer manolo blahnik was asked to design some new creations at the request of the director): ALL IS QUITE BEAUTIFUL AND COLORFUL!!! afterall, we’re talking about the 17th century, n’est-ce pas? but then, we also see versailles as a prison for young marie. (kristen dunst does a superb job!) pressured to have children with an aloof husband, she doesn’t know what to do nor does she have a clue about what is brewing in paris. (AKA the french revolution)


sofia coppola (daughter of famed director francis ford coppola) shows us JUST THAT. she shows us how young marie was forced to be “french” and to just forget about everything “austrian”, even her dog mops was taken away from her upon arriving on french soil… it’s sad. her life and marriage was orchestrated by her mother and king louis XVI for the franco-austrian alliance, and she was nothing but a teenage girl the entire time she was queen. (so was louis XVII) so, you basically got two teenage kids running a country with unlimited resources at their feet… wonder what they’d spend the country’s funds on… and oh la la, you’re in for some eye candy! (cue: bow wow wow’s i want candy :P)

MAMMA MIA!
4 out of 5 stars

CUTE. CUTE. and…CUTE. as a die-hard ABBA fan, of course, i enjoyed singing along to all their hits while the movie played… (i get that from my mother) i’m actually glad i didn’t see this one in the theater because i probably would have gotten kicked out for singing too loudly! :P



i think most people know the story of mamma mia already, as it was a broadway musical first. it’s not an oldie like cats, west side story, or south pacific, but most manhattanites and musical theater aficionados know what it’s about. here’s the gist for those who don’t: donna sheridan (meryl streep- really, hollywood? i felt like they could have gotten a better/more well known singer for this role) lives on a greek island with her daughter sophie (amanda seyfried- very cute), who is about to get married to her BF sky. (dominic cooper- also very cute!) sophie, behind her mother’s back, sends out 3 letters to her potential fathers, whom she invites to the wedding. they are: sam (pierce brosnan- very hot…); bill (stellan skarsgard- he looked like he had a ball filming this one); harry (colin firth- didn’t know he could actually sing LOL) of course, donna ultimately finds out that all three of her past flings are on the island, and seeks comfort from her friends, tanya and rosie. (christine baranski- wouldn’t be a musical without her! and…julie walters AKA mrs. weasley from the harry potter movies? i found out that tidbit thanks to IMDB…)


the best numbers were obviously dancing queen by donna/tanya/rosie, the super trouper performance at sophie’s bachelorette party, the grand voulez-vous dance sequence in the villa, does your mother know beach dance with tanya and the boys, and rosie’s take a chance on me rendition and serenade to bill. of course, keep this in mind: this was no rob marshall’s chicago or hairspray or even tim burton’s sweeney todd. (where the stage-movie transition is seamless) sometimes, it feels as if the actual story/plot of the movie doesn’t fit in with the numbers. (which is inevitable when the songs are written before the play…?) anyway, i could care less about the story. it’s cute, but the true substance are the songs that remind you how a little pop Swedish group called ABBA was #1 back in the day…


so, what are you waiting for? your waterloo? go ahead, and take a chance on this! ;)

GREEN ZONE
2 out of 5 stars

this one certainly had the potential to be great. in fact, i think given the subject matter it had the potential to be quite awesome... but, unfortunately NOT... :( (and, let me tell you why)



matt damon and paul greengrass (both action star and director of the bourne identity movies) take on the wild wild middle east and the hunt for “weapons of mass destruction” in iraq. chief warrant officer roy miller (damon) gets sick of coming up empty-handed, and begins to question the intel coming from above. he starts to think that the intel was either fabricated or compromised, and that’s when clark poundstone from the pentagon’s special intelligence unit (played brilliantly by greg kinnear) begins to worry that miller is close to the truth. miller is helped by reporter laurie dayne (amy ryan aka holly from the office) and CIA veteran/middle east expert martin brown (played by another brilliant actor brendan gleeson) who knows the “right” way of ending the iraq conflict and bringing democracy to the iraqi people. ultimately, it’s all about what is our true purpose of being in iraq?


like i said, the subject matter is highly cool, but it doesn’t quite deliver... (much like the phantom WMD’s, i guess) i don’t think i’ve ever been more bored nor more nauseous watching matt damon running around baghdad. (to me: it was cloverfield all over again...barf!) i felt like it was filmed by multiple hand-held cameras, and A+ for letting us believe that this could be realistic footage but D for letting me almost lose my supper... i often feel like the best war-related movies are the ones that either ring true to a person’s heart (i.e. about the soldiers, their life stories, etc.) or become thrillers that may be a fictional story but tells us a good one about us vs. them. (i.e. the kingdom or the hurt locker)


so, would i recommend this? yes, if you like this sort of genre, but don’t be naive when you do watch it... ;)

DEATH RACE
2 out of 5 stars

when you first glance at the director’s name, you may think to yourself: is this the guy who directed there will be blood? because if you didn’t know this already…paul w.s. anderson is QUITE different from paul thomas anderson… p.t. directed movies like boogie nights and magnolia, where w.s. directed movies like mortal kombat and resident evil. different genres and certainly different styles… is one a better director than the other? OH YEAH… was this movie better than there will be blood? HELL NO… :P



apparently, this movie takes place in the not-so-distant future…circa 2012. the penal system is totally run on corporate funding, which means the corporations in charge can do whatever they want with it. so, they decide to create a car racing competition between the inmates, and it is RACE TO THE DEATH. (hence, the title… didn’t see that one coming, did ya?) there’s a masked racer named frankenstein, who is an audience favorite, but when he is killed, the warden in the form of evil bitch hennessey (played by joan allen- remember her from the bourne identity movies?) decides to bring in a retired racer named jensen ames (jason “i only star in car movies” statham) to take on the role. so, it basically becomes the transporter vs. bourne identity bitch…


BUT, it wouldn’t be a car movie if tyrese wasn’t in it! (remember him from fast & the furious 2?) oh, and there’s ian mcshane (from nbc’s kings) who you see reduced down to only a supporting role (so sad…), and the columbian druglord guy from nip/tuck is also a driver. (pretty much the same role…) i almost felt like i was watching fast & the furious: prison edition because that’s pretty much what this movie is. however, at least fast & the furious was fun! this was just taken too seriously, which is funny because the whole idea of the movie is ridiculous to start with. (tricked out cars with machine guns and grenade launchers, i can understand… but, hot female inmates?) but, i mustn’t be too harsh… the plot is only semi-predictable, which has a semi-redeemable quality to it.


LOL on a side-note: this weekend is actually my alma mater (rice university)’s annual bike race called beer bike. wishing brown college TONS of luck to finish in first place for the main event! BSWB, biatches… ;)

AVATAR
3 out of 5 stars

what is the plot? well, that’s easy to explain… take the story of pocohontas, or fern gully, OR dances with wolves, and you pretty much have your plot. we know, people. it’s been done. but, james cameron isn’t no dummy. where he lacks in plot development and creativity, he creates this beautiful world on the planet of pandora for us tobe visually mind-blown with willowy trees, glow-in-the dark flowers, florescent colors abound, and of course, these aliens called the na’vi that want to protect their world at all costs. (and…you too can “avatar” yourself with the help of a few apps out there, hehe) such a lush and beautiful world, and of course, it turns out that the humans are the baddies, who want the “unobtainium” underneath the great tree of life. ahh…human greed always gets the best of us, don’t it?



although nominated for best picture at the oscars, i didn’t think this mega-saturated special effects piece was really worth the nomination… i mean, avatar ultimately competed against indie films like the hurt locker and precious, and I’m wondering if that was even a fair fight? :/ (that just begs the question of WHAT is best picture these days?) the 3D effects are AWESOME, mind you, but what’s left when you take off the glasses? do we walk away feeling like “OMG, that was sooooo moving” or “OMG, i need to watch that again”? not for me… i really don’t like bashing such a long-term project, since i know it took james cameron YEARS to complete this, partially due to funding, but i often felt that this was made for the sake of making a film that can utilize state of the art CGI effects well… I mean, almost 80% of the movie takes place on pandora, does it not?


i know i’ve asked a lot of rhetorical questions in this review, but I guess this is the only one my readers really want to know: IS IT WORTH RENTING? my answer: only if you have a movie theater in your home with 3D capabilities. only then, should you really watch this to get the full effect… otherwise, you’re better off watching dances with wolves with kevin costner and the native americans. or even better… watch south park make fun of avatar with their dances with smurfs episode! :P

THE DEPARTED
5 out of 5 stars

frank costello: “when i was your age, they would say we can become cops, or criminals. today, what i’m saying to you is this: when you’re facing a loaded gun, what’s the difference?”



jack nicholson probably does the best job as most-sadistic villian EVER with his portrayal of irish mob boss frank costello in south boston. costello is essentially public enemy #1 on the boston’s police special investigation unit’s most wanted list, and they want him either dead or put away for a very, very long time. of course, the joke is on them because frank already has a mole on the “inside” with the help of colin sullivan (matt damon) tipping frank off whenever he can. to make things even more interesting, the boston police decide to infiltrate the costello crew with a mole of their own...in the form of billy costigan (leo dicaprio who lets you see his vulnerability for the first time), whose father and uncle and cousin all worked for frank. (well, not so much his dad, but you get the picture) billy has a hard time gaining the trust of frank, wheras colin is easily accepted and actually promoted within the ranks of boston’s police force. (utter irony...) then, so begins the deception, the double-crossing, the lies and the blood...

i’ve always been a huge fan of martin scorsese’s films, but this one is definitely an instant classic. (which is why i own a copy) it’s actually a remake of a chinese film called internal affairs, but holy irish potatoes! this one is better... scorsese has always been a great storyteller, especially crime thrillers, and he always makes great casting decisions too. jack nicholson seems like he was born to be frank costello, from every spoken word to even his mannerisms. (watch for the scene when he’s eating lobster and randomly pulls out the severed hand during his meal) but, the dialogue/script is just divine. that’s really the creme of this masterpiece. i think i truly liked this film because it’s so well-written... the acting is great too, but with lines like these:

frank costello: “i got this rat, this gnawing, cheese eating fuckin’ rat and it brings up questions...”


mr. french: “what are you drinkin’?”
billy costigan: “a cranberry juice.”
mr. french: “what is it, your period?”


frank costello: “how is your mother?”
man in costello’s bar: “oh... i’m afraid she’s on her way out.”
frank costello: “we all are. act accordingly.” (smiles and straightens tie)


see what i mean? so, watch this one this st. patrick’s day with a guinness and a piece of shepherd’s pie. the irish mob has never been portrayed better... ;)

SNATCH
4 out of 5 stars

with characters like franky four fingers, boris the blade, and bullet tooth tony, you already know you’re going to enjoy such a creation by the father of british gangster films, guy ritchie. this one’s an oldie (made in 2000), but it’s sooooo good! (and just in time for st. patrick’s day too!)



franky four fingers (benicio del toro) sticks up a jewish bank dressed as a rabbi along with his russian help, and steals a 80 carat diamond. one of the russians tips off his brother, boris the blade (you know him as “that russian guy” from any movie that has a russian guy in it), who decides he’s going to go after the diamond, himself. of course, franky has decided to sell it to his friend in the states known as cousin avi (dennis favrina), and therein lies that problem...


the diamond is the least of our concern, especially with two gents by the names of turkish (a milk drinking jason statham) and his associate tommy. both turkish and tommy are boxing promoters, and they decide to buy a caravan together. (in english: a trailer) they go looking to buy one from a irish gypsy named mickey o’neil (brad pitt with the most incoherent/outrageous “pikey” accent), but get into trouble when their main guy gets injured in a boxing match with mickey. it’s bad enough that gorgeous george (their main guy) is injured, but he was suppose to fight in a fixed match with one of brick top (british veteran actor alan ford)’s guys. brick top is a ruthless gangster in the british underworld, who has a pig farm as a mechanism of getting rid of bodies. (apparently pigs can consume human parts the fastest....eww!) so...therein lies that problem...


lastly, we are introduced to sol, vincent, and tyrone. probably the world’s most stupidest/clumsiest bunch of thieves but with HILARIOUS results. (LOVED it when tyrone couldn’t get his fat ass out of the car... and, he’s the getaway driver! oh, the irony...) sol and vincent own a pawn shop together, but gets a proposition from boris the blade to steal the diamond from franky plus steal the money from one of brick top’s bookies. the diamond comes to boris, and the notes (british slang for bills) can be pocketed by the pawn shop owners. does it go to plan? haha! (not really...) so, therein lies that problem...


certainly hats are off to brad pitt whose “pikey” or irish gypsy accent is just awesome. not even the brit natives can understand what he’s saying, and that makes all his scenes even more awesome... especially when he is shirtless? OMG, that man is just IRISH GOLD... ;)

ALICE IN WONDERLAND
3 out of 5 stars

knave of hearts: “if you’re hiding her, you will lose your heads.”

mad hatter: “already lost them.”


tim burton’s world of wonderland is visually stunning, but you could definitely feel the walt disney “let’s not scare the children, tim” influence in this watered-down re-telling of lewis carroll’s story of a girl who falls down a rabbit hole. i expected better. it’s tim burton, for god’s sake! i want the goth, the darkness, the blood he used in sweeney todd, dammit!!!


ok, i’m calm now... tim burton casts his usuals: johnny depp (the bi-polar mad hatter), helena bonham carter (the giant headed red queen), alan rickman (the hookah smoking blue catepillar), crispin glover (the creepy one-eyed knave of hearts), sir christopher lee (the purple electricity breathing jabberwocky). anne hathaway joins the cast as the good but airy white queen, and newcomer mia wasilkowska shines as the stubborn, free-spirited alice. the story is quite simple: the red queen rules with an iron fist and with a penchant for chopping heads over wonderland, that the citizens of this magical place want a new ruler, the white queen. the white queen needs a “champion” to go against the red queen’s jabberwocky, and who do you think will be called to the challenge? yep...you guessed it!


you know, it almost felt like i was watching a lady gaga music video... all the characters are bizarre-looking, alice and the queens wear these fabulous tulle dresses, and just the mad hatter’s interchanging green/orange crazy eyes alone say enough. (it’s no wonder i laughed hysterically at the gaga in wonderland video on youtube :P) the most random/LOL in the movie theater scene is when the mad hatter dances the futterwacken. (just watch for it—it’s so random/amusing all @ the same time!)

PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE
4 out of 5 stars

oprah called it the movie that “split her open” and IMMEDIATELY called tyler perry on her speed dial of black celebrities to help promote it. well, that’s the rumor/piece of trivia noted on imdb.com. i know for a fact that if i were her and i had tyler perry on MY speed dial, i would have done that AND gotten an endorsement from “uncle” russell simmons too... :P



with that said, this movie is EXCELLENT. WATCH IT IMMEDIATELY. YOU WILL CRY BUT YOU WILL LOVE IT... as with me, three tear-soaked tissues and a set of puffy eyes later, i can finally get myself to write this review... so, here we go:


this is NYC circa 1987, and it takes place in what we call the “ghetto.” there is nothing glamorous about precious’s life. she’s an illiterate, obese, 16 year old girl, who is abused by a mother who calls her a “fat bitch” every five seconds and throws frying pans at her face, raped by a pedophile father TWICE, and her first baby has down syndrome. (talk about someone who has been dealt bad cards...) she’s ultimately kicked out of school for being pregnant again, but the principal suggests that she attend an “alternative school” where girls like precious can get their GED through a literacy and educational non-profit organization. there, she meets her gorgeous new teacher, ms. rain, played by robin thicke’s real-life wife paula patton, who helps her to read and write. (we see precious literally push herself to learn to do this and it is MOVING...)


some cameos featured in this indie gem: a de-glam/sans makeup mariah carey plays her social worker, who tries to get precious to open up about her past and possibly talking about her future, and a de-nose-ringed lenny kravitz plays her nurse when she finally delivers her baby. both mariah and lenny do a good job playing some important roles in precious’s life, but mo’nique DELIVERS a performance of a lifetime as the evil, conceited, abusive, bitch mother derived from the depths of hell. (it’s no surprise she won oscar gold for this—watch out for her @ the very end...) incest, physical abuse, rape...all words we cringe at upon hearing them, however this movie forces you to take a long, hard look at someone who lives those things everyday...


precious is just one story, and a semi-fictional, mind you... but boy, will it make you want to donate to a literacy foundation immediately, so it can help girls like precious everywhere. :) (it certainly did with me...)

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN
2 out of 5 stars

where do i even begin with this one? even with an all-star comedian cast, this one just FAILS... a couple of actual funny moments sprinkled here and there, but none are truly worthy of a laugh... (save your laughter for something actually humorous...like OJ simpson trying to donate the suit he wore to trial to the american history museum, and getting rejected, haha!)


larry the museum guard (ben stiller) is back with his amigos, as he tries to rescue them from the evil kah-mun-rah, an egyptian pharaoh who wants world domination by unleashing his underworld army to the world. but, let me backtrack a bit... we find out that larry is now rich and CEO of a company that makes gadgets (think: home shopping network), and the objects at the natural history museum in nyc are about to get shipped to washington d.c. for the federal archives. (AKA the smithsonian) unfortunately, the magical tablet is shipped too, and kah-mun-rah awakes from his slumber... (this is the point where you realize you wished he hadn’t—i mean, i love hank azaria but that lisp/quasi-english accent annoys you to death) larry is joined by amelia earhart (amy adams) who becomes larry’s sidekick for this sequel, and owen wilson returns as jed, the miniature cowboy that won’t STFU!


of course, it’s all ridiculousness i.e. the lincoln at the lincoln memorial coming to life and saying the most clichéd of all lincoln quotes, the fact that the smithsonian keeps their storage facilities underneath the national mall, and robin williams as teddy roosevelt. it’s sad to see these stars of comedy reduced down to this, but hey...it was good publicity for us, right? one of these days the REAL story/behind the scenes of SI will be told... (hint, hint, wink, wink) well, my script won’t have figures coming to life, but i got to hand it to one great scene that will actually tickle the funny bone. it is when ivan the terrible announces to kah-mun-rah that he found two exhibited figures who want to join team evil... (hint: he’s green & he’s grouchy and the other sounds like he has asthma and wears a helmet)


with all that said, no to this one...and, no to you, OJ... for the last time, we (SI) do not want your suit! (nor would i ever want to see it come to life, EVER!!!) :P

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
5 out of 5 stars

lt. aldo raine: “you probably heard we ain’t in the prisoner-takin’ business; we in the killin’ nazi business. and cousin, business is a-boomin’.”



once upon a time in nazi-occupied france, quentin tarantino strikes again this time with his nazi-killin’, skull-bashin’, jew-huntin’ hell of a ride! brad pitt stars as aldo the apache: one with a killer southern drawl, ridiculous ‘tache, and a penchant for scalps and carving the swastika unto human flesh. (on only nazis, of course!) he’s tasked by the american forces to lead a special group of jewish-american soldiers into enemy territory, and just wreck havoc... among this special group, we learn the rest of the basterds’ names. there’s the bear jew (played by director eli roth who looked like he had a lot of fun playing this role actually), and boy...does he like to swing that baseball bat of his! (into a nazi’s skull, of course!) there’s also hugo stiglitz, a rogue nazi who went on a killing spree on his own kind, thus earning the basterds’ respect. (in other words, a complete psychopath)


while the basterds are killing nazis left and right, there’s a secondary story of a girl who escapes the clutches of col. hans “the jew hunter” landa. (brilliantly played by christopher waltz—bravo to an actor who can fluently speak german, english, french, and italian! it’s no surprise he deserved that oscar gold...) shosanna flees the french countryside, and assumes the identity of a movie theater owner, and it is at her theater, where they will show dr. goebbels’ masterpiece film appropriately titled “nation’s pride.” (and...we learn that it’s also her master plan to kill all the nazis including the fuhrer that night) most likely, the best scene is the mexican...er, nazi standoff between a gestapo major, the basterds, and the lovely diane kruger, playing double-agent/actress bridget von hammersmark after a game of guess who goes horribly wrong... (it’s def balls to the gun, i should say!) that and aldo trying to speak italian with his outrageous southern accent... (EPIC FAIL but hilarious results)


if you liked resevoir dogs and kill bill vol. 1 & 2, you WILL like this... it’s pure tarantino fun, and you’ll be rootin’ for the basterds until the very end... ;)

NOTES ON A SCANDAL
4 out of 5 stars

this one actually gets an extra star because dame judi dench and cate blanchett really deliver powerful performances in a film about a sex scandal at a british school... we see it in the news every day: teacher and student affairs. it’s sick and makes my stomach turn, but this film, performances alone, is just divine! (plus a month ago, a teacher got busted at a HS down the st. from where i live! CRAZY...)



we start with our narrator: barbara covett. (played by the magnificent judi dench) a veteran history teacher, with a sharp tongue and bitter outlook on the british school system. (picture a really bitchy and drab-looking umbridge from the harry potter series) she HATES her job, and even so, HATES the students even more... she has no friends, no family. just a cat named portia and her little diary. then, comes along...sheba hart. (played by the beautiful cate blanchett) fresh, idealistic, beautiful, novice art teacher who decides to befriend lonely barbara. basically, one gesture of good will and friendliness turns sour when barbara realizes she likes sheba...beyond something platonic... (AKA she’s a closeted lesbian)


then, we get to the juicy part. we find out that sheba has been sleeping with one of her students, and when barbara finds out, she doesn’t just report it to the police. she decides to use this secret to her own advantage. because the entire film is essentially barbara’s POV, we begin to see what a deranged and manipulative person she really is... it almost seems like sheba is blind to this, when the rest of her family seem to see this quite clearly. (there’s a funny scene where we hear her daughter and husband complain about barbara being around ALL THE TIME...)


i’d only recommend this for those who are into psychological thriller-like genres and the like. this one isn’t so much of a thriller (no mystery here), but it’s interesting looking into the mind of a weird person... ;)

SHERLOCK HOLMES
5 out of 5 stars

mrs. hudson: oh, he's killed the dog. again.

dr. watson: what have you done to gladstone now?
sherlock holmes: i, was simply testing a new anesthetic. he doesn't mind.


i’m sure that no dogs were harmed in the making of this film…ok, maybe just dr. watson’s. :P


guy ritchie does a pretty awesome job, retelling us the story of sherlock holmes and his snarky sidekick dr. watson. sherlock (RDJ, how i love you!) and watson (jude law- the sexiest dr. watson i've ever seen) go head-to-head with evil/ambitiously clever lord blackwood (mark strong, another wonderful actor/favorite of the director), who wants what any villian wants: world domination. first, lord blackwood is sentenced to death for his "virgin girl sacrifices" in victorian london, but he suddenly comes back from the dead, to carry out his evil plans. i don't want to ruin the mind-boggling ending for you, so you'll just have to strap in your carriage seatbelt, and enjoy the ride on this one...


stylistically, this isn’t your typical classical victorian holmes novel. imagine it more of a graphic novel, based in what would be victorian england if rendered through the eyes of guy ritchie… the movie is certainly an adventure from the very get-go, and it just keeps moving… most certainly, the best scenes are action hero sherlock fighting a 7 ft. tall french giant with fist and wit, his powers of deduction to solve the mysteries behind the crime, and of course, how he cleverly wears a disguise to follow his ex-gf irene adler and her mysterious benefactor. (as we later find out is prof. moriarty—sequel, anyone?) there’s also the “old couple bickering” between sherlock and watson, where you think a bromance would blossom any minute now… as much as they annoy each other, you know deep down inside, they care about one another. aww…


i’m actually glad they’ll make a sequel to this because i can’t get enough of RDJ and his portrayal of holmes. of course, we want more! (just like i did with jack sparrow of the pirates of the caribbean series) rumor has it that brad pitt will be playing prof. moriarty… (i could see that. he is afterall a fave of guy’s) well in that case…case reopened! ;)

UP
5 out of 5 stars

OMG... this has got to be the SWEETEST/CUTEST animation movie i've ever seen... pixar, you have out-done it yourselves again! (bravo!) since oscar season is around the corner, i'll be rooting for you in the best animated film of the year!



i really enjoyed WALL*E, but i think UP is better... the story is poignant, funny, and just darling... here we have old carl, who dreams of traveling to the exotic paradise falls with his childhood sweetheart ellie, but as old age comes around, he ends up...by himself and with a lost dream. then, as bulldozers and a changing urban landscape start to engulf him, he revives that dream, and decides to travel there via... well, balloons! he gets wilderness scout by the name of russell to accidentally travel along as a chatty yet innocent companion, and the two have no clue what kind of adventure they are in for! (my favorite character is "kevin" btw, LOL. does anyone know what he actually is? a hybrid between a do-do and a flamingo? all we know is that "she" sure likes chocolate!)


now, i'm a sensitive one, so bear with me here... this is the part that made me cry/puffy-eyed in the morning: the beginning montage of where carl meets the love of his life ellie and the life they live together... it's all done so beautifully, and quite possibility the best part of the entire film… that and the talking dogs...SQUIRREL! what a cleverly written script and great "interpretation" of what we humans think dogs would say if ever given a talk collar. (love how the dogs refer to the little russell as "small mailman"... still chuckling to myself over that one...)


i can't get enough of this film. is it that apparent? i just have to say that pixar showed us with WALL*E that robots can just as easily fall in love as humans do. that in itself is just adorable, isn't it? however with UP, they have shown us that no matter how old you are, you are never too old for adventure. i just wish i can have a crazy adventure as great as old carl when i'm retired... ;)

SURROGATES
2 out of 5 stars

“honey, i don’t know what you are. i mean, for all i know, you could be some big, fat dude sitting in his stim chair with his dick hanging out.” – agent tom greer (bruce willis)



honestly… i don’t understand why bruce willis likes/lands roles like these, where he’s another FBI agent, with a hurtful past, trying to solve some weird conspiracy theory around a major city, and to complicate matters…he’s fighting robots this time! (well, human-commanded ones) as absurd as the plot goes, it takes place in the not-too-distant future, where humans use surrogate robots in their daily lives. the surrogates go to work, party, get their hair done, interact, even investigate crime, all the while, their human “operators” sit in these chairs getting fatter, scruffier, and nastier as days go by… crime, you say? well, someone kills the son of VSI (virtual self incorp.) chairman lionel canter (played by the brilliant james cromwell), and guess who is assigned to the case? BINGO!


i think ai: artificial intelligence was probably one of the better robot-related movies because there was a good story to it, where this is just blah… i was expecting a least a wittier bruce willis, but some d-bag hollywood producer decided this was going to be a serious film. (at least, if it was funny, we would have gotten a couple of laughs out of the ridiculousness of all this crap. oh, come on! he’s always saying smart remarks in the die hard series!) at least, visually, it was fun to see ving rhames star in this as the “prophet” AKA the anti-surrogate/pro-human revolutionary and also his best impression of funkadelic george clinton! (that hair, mon…)


my only question is… if surrogates are so great, why couldn’t i have used one to see this movie… oh, darnit… i guess i’m thinking clone because i still would have had to endure an hour and a half of boring actors and a plot “twist” that didn’t twist at all… :P

THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PAJAMAS
5 out of 5 stars

this was probably one of the best holocaust movies I’ve seen since spielberg’s schindler’s list and roman polanski’s the pianist… i say this because not only did it make me bawl my face off (don’t judge…i’m a real sensitive person!), but it gives you a different perspective of how a child would have viewed the holocaust. and…not just any child. a german child…



bruno is our 8 year old protagonist, where he and his sister are forced to move with their parents to the countryside. that’s because daddy just got a promotion in the ranks of nazi germany, as we realize that he’s a commandant in hitler’s jew-hating army. bruno is forced to leave his friends behind, and soon finds himself miserable living in an isolating environment. (he tries to make the best of it by making a tire swing in the yard— beats imaginary friends, right?) he soon goes “exploring” through the back forest, and comes across a boy, his age, sitting all alone by the electric fence…in striped pajamas. this intrigues little bruno, as he begins to ask his mother and father why those people at the “farm” are in striped pajamas and why there is a weird stench in the air. he also doesn’t understand why his friend schmuel is considered the “enemy”… (thank you, german propaganda)


i think what makes it even more interesting is that bruno’s mother seemed to be just as innocent as he was. when one of the commandant’s subordinates remarks that the jews smell worse dead than alive, she is taken-aback with horror. then, when the commandant tries to justify that this is a part of war, she completely breaks down… (pivotal and electrifying performance by vera famiga) the little boy who plays bruno is really cute and thoughtful, but I thought schmuel was cuter… (and my heart broke into a million little pieces when he got a black eye for “stealing food” from one of the asshole nazi soldiers) one of the best scenes in the entire film is when bruno and schmuel are simply talking to each other. it’s nothing complicated, but two little boys conversing with one another, in a time where one is condemned to die and the other to live in hitler’s ideal world. here’s a little taste:


bruno: why do you wear pajamas all day?


schmuel: the soldiers. they took all of our clothes away.


bruno: my dad’s a soldier, but not the sort that would take people’s clothes away.


:)