CHRONICLE
5 out of 5 stars

i HATED paranormal activity. i HATED blair witch. ugh....and CLOVERFIELD? no way, jose... that style of digi camera work bothers me to the core. but i LOVED chronicle. it’s refreshing to watch a movie that features superheroes and villains that aren’t from the minds of marvel comics. :P

so, what exactly is this movie about? andrew (dane dehaan) decides to buy himself a video camera to start filming his life, especially the part where his father physically abuses him while his mother is dying in the next room. (i think she might have cancer? whatever...she’s really REALLY sick...) andrew is a loner, and is always getting picked on at school/home/neighborhood...the bullying never stops for him. he’s picked up from school everyday by his fun cousin matt (alex russell), and the two seem to be close? the two get invited to a rave party at some barn, and they along with matt’s friend/mr. popularity steve (michael b. jordan) discover a ginormous hole in the ground near the barn... they decide to crawl down to see what’s there, and that’s when they get affected by this alien radiation/substance/???. the trio somehow make it out of the hole in tact, and that’s when they start exhibiting supernatural powers i.e. telekinesis, super strength, even flight! they start to pull pranks on people at the mall, in the parking lot... however, things get really serious when andrew causes a major car accident by making a truck fall off a bridge! matt and steve being the pacifists decide to put down some rules, but andrew’s powers/lack of control grow stronger day by day. and, it could only be fueled by one thing... and they said emotions aren’t powerful? ;)

EXCELLENT movie with great character development (esp. andrew as the anti-hero), great storyline, and extra points for style. :) i thought the ending was a bit over the top, but generally, it’s kept pretty realistic/low key. there’s no crazy demi-god trying to take over the world. there’s no weird alien species trying to take over earth. all you have here is a lonely/depressed teenage boy who longs to be accepted and loved, but isn’t... andrew’s story is sad. it’s actually sort of cliche too, if you think about it. but wait until you see how andrew “snaps”... magneto would have taken cover. :P

SHAME
4 out of 5 stars

so, basically this was an hour and 40 minutes of michael fassbender having sex? HOTT. :P

but seriously...this brandon sullivan character is in fact a sex ADDICT. he will have sex with anyone, anywhere, ANYTIME. brandon sullivan (michael fassbender) is...a very handsome, reserved thirtysomething tech firm/advertising agency exec, but deep down inside, he’s got something very nasty growing inside. his addiction to sex has lead him to masturbate frequently during work hours, has corrupted his hard drive due to the massive amounts of porn on it, and he invites escorts over to his sterile apt like they’re his best (sex) friends. (when he’s watching porn and eating leftover chinese with a beer like it’s some sitcom is hilarious to me b/c he’s so nonchalant about it...everydayroutine!) then one day, he comes down to his stereo blasting and someone singing in the shower... brandon grabs a baseball bat, runs furiously into the bathroom, and finds his sister sissy (a very hipster carey mulligan) scared silly! apparently she broke up with her BF mark, so she decided to crash at her big bro’s. too bad...this totally cramps brandon’s style. :P sissy invites brandon to come hear her sing at some caberet bar, and he and his slimey boss david attend. sissy ends up sleeping with said slimey boss IN BRANDON’S BED. this really puts brandon on edge, and basically it’s a down hill sexual spiral from there...

i totally had mixed feelings about this one, but ultimately settled on a 4 because the raw emotions that fassbender and carey mulligan exhibit come across as true and genuine. their anger, their frustration with one another, their sadness...all of that is very well exhibited and makes the movie wonderful. (the scene when sissy is singing is one of my faves as well as when they sit down and “talk” about their issues on the couch) brandon and sissy could not be so different characteristically! (brandon = cold, distant, self-loathing; sissy = warm, clingy, unconditional love for her brother) the only flaw i see in this though is why they didn’t explore the relationship between brandon and sissy more? was it incest? abuse? what’s the source of brandon’s addiction? also, what’s the source of their awkwardness towards one another? characters needed to be further developed esp. if this is going to be a story of a sex addict and his problems. otherwise, fassbender sure knows how to fuck a woman. or two... ;)

21 JUMP STREET
5 out of 5 stars

“you have a right to.... ...suck my dick, motherfucker!” 
– jenko

at first glance, you may think this is just an uncreative reboot of the 80s show, but it’s sooooooo not. i am still laughing from this one because it is so silly, creative, and HILARIOUS. jonah hill helped co-write the screenplay for this, and it’s just 21 jump street: superbad style. GREAT scenes, GREAT comedic banter between a really funny channing tatum (i can’t believe i just said that) and jonah hill, and even features a cameo from the guys who did it in the 80s... :P

so, the movie starts off with an eminem wanabe lookin’ schmidt (jonah hill) circa 2005, who decides he’s going to ask the pretty girl out to prom. he starts choking in front of her, all the while super jock and dumbass jenko (channing tatum) is ROFLMAO-ing at his locker nearby. (OMG the hair!) jenko is then called into the principal’s office, and he gets the terrifying news that he won’t be able to go to prom this year. (AHHHHHH) both end up crying outside... few years pass, and schmidt and jenko reunite at the police recruitment center because they both want to be cops. jenko SUCKS at all the law and basicaly fails every academic test given to him at the academy, but schmidt helps him out by becoming his tutor. aaaaaand...schmidt SUCKS at all the physical training, so jenko returns the favor by becoming his trainer. soon, they graduate and become...park police. (HAH!) while on duty, they spot these bad-ass motorcycle gang members selling drugs at the park, and while they try to make the arrest, jenko botches it because he couldn’t remember what the miranda rights were. (LOL) their captain decides to stick them in a program called “jump street”, where youthful lookin’ cops can go undercover in HS and shut down HS-related operations. apparently, there’s a drug circling around their old high school that’s blowing kids’ minds and making them overdose. their mission: to infiltrate the dealers and find the supplier. but only if it were that easy... as schmidt and jenko realize...high school has changed A LOT since their days. as jenko puts it: “the cool kids are these eco-friendly, crunchy-granola types. something ain’t right with this captain. i blame glee.” :P

BEST scenes: when jenko and schmidt get high from the shit angel drug, the not-so-explosive car chase, schmidt’s HOUSE PARTY!, the bathroom scene, PROM night, when jenko bonds with his science nerd friends, captain ice cube. i mean with lines like this:

“HEY, HEY! STOP FUCKIN’ WITH KOREAN JESUS! HE AIN’T GOT TIME FOR YO PROBLEMS! HE BUSY...WITH KOREAN SHIT!”

LOL, i love the fact that 21 jump street is an abandoned korean church... :P

ALBERT NOBBS
3 out of 5 stars

i didn’t really know what to make of this movie at first… i mean, it’s a movie about a woman dressing up as a man in 19th century ireland, and trying to marry when in fact, he is biologically a SHE. and they didn’t even have those types of surgeries back in those days! :P

so, who is albert nobbs? HE (glenn close in reverse drag- GREAT actress!) is a shy waiter at morrison’s hotel, who has a major crush on another housemaid named helen dawes (mia wasikowska), but can’t seem to act on his impulses for fear that his secret of being a woman will get out… (and then get THROWN out eventually) he works hard, and has saved up every penny (or irish equiv.) to someday open up a tobacco shop and find himself a wife. however, a house painter by the name of hubert page stirs things up when albert is forced to share his room with him, thanks to hotel micro-manager/owner mrs. baker, and hubert discovers albert’s secret when albert freaks out after discovering a flea on him… of course, albert is even more freaked out that hubert will tell on him, but then hubert shows him that he, in fact, is biologically a woman too! (the look on albert’s face when he sees hubert’s breasts! :O) hubert tells albert all about his wife and his life outside of being a house painter, and albert soon wonders if he could live his life like hubert. of course, there’s another layer to this story… joe mackins (aaron johnson) shows up to morrison’s hotel as a boiler man, and soon wins the heart of helen. he wants to go to america with helen, but with no $... it’s a problem. joe then plots with helen to see if albert can fund their one-way trip, but albert wants to marry helen. oh yeeeeah…and then typhoid fever starts killing everyone. charming times, huh? :P

the acting is quite good, and i wished they would have explored more of albert’s past and what made him decide a man’s lifestyle was better than a woman’s. they touched on it a little bit when albert tells hubert that he was gang raped when he was 14, but i feel like we as the viewers should have been told more about albert’s childhood, his mother, etc. i mean…who was his mother? who was his father? did albert transition to be a male in order to get a job or because he truly thought he was male? i think hubert truly thought he was a male, but i didn’t feel the same way for albert… very odd movie. plus, it was weird seeing jonathan rhys meyers and brendan gleeson in minor roles… :/

A HAROLD & KUMAR CHRISTMAS
4 out of 5 stars

didn’t see this one in 3D, but then again...did i really need to see harold and kumar’s christmas adventure around NYC in 3D? well...more like see harold’s penis get stuck to a frozen pole in 3D? dangit...don’t answer that. :P

funnier than what i was expecting! (well, i was expecting more of the same...just like the original) i guess it’s been almost 4 years since harold and kumar have stopped being friends and moved on with their respective lives... harold (john cho- can he be my future husband? :P) is now some corporate bigshot living the bigshot wall street life, married to his beautiful latin wife maria, and fending off occupy wall street protestors. kumar (kal penn) is...still kumar, and smoking that weed like snoop dogg’s indian equivalent. harold has bigger problems of his own though. his father-in-law, carlos (bad-ass danny trejo), decides to visit harold and maria for the holidays with the rest of the perez clan, and wants harold to decorate the tree carlos has been growing for the past 8 years. problem is... when a mysterious package containing a joint arrives, kumar delivers the thing to harold, kumar decides to smoke said joint, and harold decides to throw it out the window...the joint “accidentally” catches the carlos tree on FIRE. so, harold and kumar basically run around town trying to find a replacement tree...all the while crashing a HS girl/mob boss’s daughter’s christmas party, run into their old jew friends rosenberg and goldstein, participate in NPH’s christmas broadway production, AND earn themselves a loyal wafflebot. :P

NPH totally steals the show as a “gay” NPH, but then again so does wafflebot. (i totally want one now!) favorite scenes have got to be when harold and kumar get claymated, NPH’s scenes, and of course wafflebot’s scenes too! ohhhh, and lest not forget the harold and kumar homage to a christmas story? not your typical wholesome christmas tale, but if you don’t mind seeing babies get high, racist jokes re: latinos AND asians AND jews, and santa getting shot in the face... THIS MOVIE IS FOR YOU THEN. merry christmas (in july)? :P

ROCK OF AGES
4 out of 5 stars

you can pour your sugar on me ANYTIME, stacee jaxx! :P

ahh, the 80s... who could forget the music? the hair? sexy rockers like axl rose and bret michaels? do i even need to summarize the plot of this one? we start with a small town girl with big dreams of becoming a star sing her way from OK to LA (julianne hough- PERFECT for the role of sherrie IMO), where she meets barback drew (diego boneta- meh) after she gets mugged by some stringy-haired creep. (how dare he take her records!!! ::shakes fist::) as it turns out, drew works at the bourbon room (owned/operated by a really grossed out alec baldwin and russell brand), and sherrie too gets a job as a waitress there. the bourbon room also happens to be in major debt, and only one man can save it financially... STACEE JAXX. (tom cruise NAILS this role!) stacee has one last concert with his band arsenal before he goes solo, so... this also means major opportunity for drew as his debut as wolfgang von colt! (i know...what a stage name) of course, you have to have a “bad guy”, and in this case, it’s patricia whitmore (catherine zeta jones), wife of mayor mike whitmore, who HATES stacee...maybe because of her past? ohhhhh, stacee... he totally makes this movie! ;)

ridiculous, cheesy, another GAY FAVE of the year! (i mean, you got the director of hairspray directing this one!) i wouldn’t say it’s as good as hairspray, but it’s pretty well produced and good actors doing things out of their element i.e. tom cruise as a drunk-ass jaded rocker sex icon and he totally brings this one together. the storyline is shallow like a watered down drink at a crappy bar, but hey! who needs story when you have SINGING?  esp. songs from def leppard, foreigner, and journey?!  talk about a movie that ROCKS OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT. see it now if you can handle the awesomeness of stacee jaxx. :P 

THE AVENGERS
5 out of 5 stars

“you’re missing the point!” there’s no throne. there is no version of this where you come out on top. maybe your army comes and maybe it’s too much for us but it’s all on you. because if we can’t protect the earth, you can be damned well sure we’ll avenge it!” – tony stark AKA iron man

A is for AWESOME! A is for ACTION-PACKED! A is for AMERICAAA!!! :) (can’t you tell i LOVED this?)

if you don’t know who the avengers are...you need to get yourself off from underneath that sheltering rock. :P just kidding... but in case you truly don’t know the story of the avengers, they are: capt. america (chris evans), iron man (RDJ), thor (chris hemsworth), black widow (scarlett johansson), hawkeye (jeremy renner), and of course...THE HULK. (mark ruffalo) nick fury (samuel l. jackson) and his crew S.H.I.E.L.D. are working in their lab when a cube of immense blue energy “activates”. it opens up some sort of portal, and out pops loki (tom hiddelston)! this time, he’s hellbent on destroying earth as part of his revenge on his brother thor who has sworn to protect it by bringing the tesseract energy cube to an alien race named the chitauri, who in return will help loki destroy earth. loki ends up putting hawkeye and the scentist erik selvig (remember him from thor?) under some brainwash spell, and they help him escape. director fury is then forced to initiate the avengers initiative AKA the superhero dream team. ;)

WITTY script, lots of action sequences, and if there’s a director who can pull off a good storyline...IT IS JOSS WHEDON. all around awesome movie, and the casting was brilliantly done. talk about the world’s most dysfunctional team! :P however, it doesn’t matter because in the end, the avengers will always have the earth’s back. and of course, iron man steals the show with his humor and wit. e.g.:

loki: “what have i to fear?”
iron man: “the avengers. it’s what we call ourselves, sort of like a team earth’s mightiest heroes type of thing.”
loki: “yes, i’ve met them.”
iron man: “yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, i’ll give you that one. but let’s do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and YOU, big fella, you’ve managed to piss off every single one of them.”

takethat, loki. :P